[i took a sip of something poison but i'll hold on tight]

Do you know how much I miss writing?

Very, very muchly. So I'm going to try to get back into blogging, especially since I think I think I'll have things to say again!

Right now I'm reading blog posts from a year ago, and my goodness....it's incredible how much I've changed. Some of what I wrote just makes me laugh and roll my eyes, but other parts just make me miss the innocent, trusting, idealistic me of only last year so very much. Well, it could be argued that these adjectives could still be used to describe me (the first and last, at least), but let's just say there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then. So much has been lost that will never be regained, but I'm realizing that that's the way it has to be. To gain, we must lose. To see the light, we must first see the darkness.

Well, to start things off, college is going well. It's taken a lot of adjustment and all-in-all I'm very glad that it turned out that I'm still living at home this year, but I've made friends and am enjoying my classes. Studying....that's another story. Ex-homeschooler = studying is a fail. Well, for me at least...maybe other ex-homeschoolers nonetheless have mad studying skills, and perhaps they'd like to aid me? I'm not too happy with the grades I've gotten so far, but like I said, I'm still developing the fine art of studying. Plus, I'm taking a lot of music classes, this is the first time I've done anything musical other than sing, and everyone tells me that this particular school is very tough (they like to fool you...you'd think a two-year college would be comparatively easy, right? Not necessarily so, my friends.), so I'm trying not to feel too much like I'm made of fail. Just enough to spur me on to harder work and better things... Voice lessons, however, are pretty much made of win. I have a wonderful teacher, I've made so much progress already which is very exciting, and I'll be starting to learn a song in a week or two!

It's been a coming-out-of-the-tunnel sort of weekend for me, metaphorically speaking. As I've mentioned previously, this has not been the easiest year. Lots of things happened and made me question just about everything, but I've finally been getting my priorities back in order and pulling all the bits and pieces together to figure out who I am. It's amazing how much happier that can make a person, that knowledge that who you are and what you believe in is something you can stand by and not be ashamed of.

Yesterday, my mom and I went on a pilgrimage with some people from our church to this shrine, the site of the only approved Marian apparition in the U.S, which is pretty amazing. We drove there with a family from our church and had a great conversation with them on both trips. One thing the father said really struck me: "God wants us to be either hot or cold...He can't stand it if we're just lukewarm." Well, not that He'd technically want us to be cold, but it makes a point. It's something I've always known, but have definitely needed to be reminded of lately. I really do not like how lukewarm I've become, both in regard to God and in regard to other things in my life. After all, what point is there to a life that isn't lived to its fullest? What point is there in having beliefs if you're afraid to live them? What is a person if they lack courage?

During Mass I started thinking, as usual, about the future and all my trepidation concerning it. But something has changed and I no longer feel quite so hopelessly rudderless...less like a drowning person reaching for driftwood and more like someone in a perfectly decent boat that actually might be steerable. Putting God back into His rightful place of number one in your life makes such a difference :) The future is suddenly looking much less hazy, and I've returned to my original plan of transferring to Christendom next year. Ah, you don't even know how happy this makes me. This is the third time I've seriously revisited that idea, and just the fact that I keep coming back to it and every time it seems more and more right is very reassuring. WOOHOO!

Lots of things lately have been coming together to nudge me in that direction, one of them being a radio segment I heard on the Catholic station last week in which they were discussing colleges. The main point that stuck with me was that, in the long term scheme of things, four years is really not that long, and you will have ample time to meet a wide diversity of people in your lifetime. A lot of young Catholics on the quest for their ideal college, and I include myself, will sometimes balk at a college that seems "too Catholic", or just a Catholic college, period, thinking that they're missing out on knowing a diverse mix of people, and fearing that they're just locking themselves in a big bubble. But, as this speaker pointed out, these four years of your life are one little, albeit important, step in the big picture. It's doubtful that not being exposed to a wide variety of people at a huge public university is going to change you into a narrowminded bigot. However, chances are that four years at a college where the values and beliefs you have already established are shared with the vast majority of students will help you become a person who is rock-solid in their beliefs, rich in true friendships, and confident in the person they are. Plus, the rumor that all Catholic colleges are full of socially inept nerds is just that...a rumor. Just from my one visit to Christendom, I learned that while some do fit into this mold (and hey, that is not necessarily a bad thing...most nerdy people are absolutely lovely and fascinating), the majority are very normal young adults who dress and and talk and act like most nice, upstanding people you'd meet anywhere else. Why wouldn't you want to spend four formative years of your life in their company?

I know that this can vary widely from person to person. I've met absolutely amazing people who fit perfectly at the public colleges they attend, and I wouldn't deny that for many, this is the road to take. I've concluded, however, that my road to higher education is the road to a Catholic college. That's where I'll truly grow and thrive and become the person I should be. Sure, I could be happy somewhere else, but a Catholic college is where I'll be free to really become myself, to make true, life-long friends, to get the education I truly desire. We only have one life. Why settle for second-best when you could reach your dream by stretching just a little bit farther?

Oh, and presenting my latest favorite song...

Helena Beat - Foster the People

[there's a party on the rooftop top of the world]

I've always had a thing about clothes.

When I was 5 or 6, I had this super bad habit of constantly changing my clothes...I'd go through about four different outfits in a single day. Now I (usually) can stay in the same clothes all day, but I still love coming up with different combinations of whatever happens to be in my closet. And some days, I really like what I come up with!

Today was one of those days, so I took myself on a photo shoot (yay for timers on cameras)...out on the roof! Yep...that be an honest-to-goodness rooftop. I had to crawl out the window and everything. :D

shoes - payless; skirt - twentyone; camisole - mudd; sweater - vanity; scarf - gordmans; bracelets - mudd; earrings - candies

I love scarves. I think this one just kind of made the whole outfit.
Being photographer/model is a good time :D

Call me crazy, but one thing that I am really looking forward to about school is having somewhere to go every day, so I can wear nicer clothes and not feel like I'm wasting them by staying home! Although, I suppose that technically if you enjoy wearing the clothes it's not really a waste even if you never step out of the house all day, but it's still more fun to be all dressed up and have somewhere to go. I've started getting more into accessories...they just add so much more depth and interest to outfits. See those bracelets I'm wearing? They came in a set of about 20, some with charms and some just knotted cord, and I love 'em. And, of course, there's scarves. :D

I got my schedules for fall! It's looking pretty darn busy...but I think I'm going to enjoy it. Mondays are psychology, English (I got placed in 102...sooo happy about that!), and chorus, plus ballet, pointe, and lyrical at my dance studio in the evening; Tuesday is Intro to Acting, math, and vocal technique, plus ballet (it's a lower level class, but I'm taking it on pointe), hip hop, and modern; Wednesday has the same college class schedule as Monday, with church choir practice in the evening; Thursday is the same as Tuesday, with the exception of jazz, ballet, and assisting with a modern class; and Friday is the same class schedule as Monday and Wednesday, and I work at the country club 4 pm to closing! I'm also doing the performance group again this year, so I'll be at dance every Saturday from 10 am to 2 pm.

*tries not to die*

But I'm looking forward to it. :)

Thoughts [but then again, what else would they be?]

One of the undeniable things about life is that it never stops changing and is always unpredictable, and even though this is one of the scariest things about life, it's also one of the most comforting.

Hummus is one of the best foods ever.

Everything is tinged with melancholy...

Not having my friends around makes me sad.

I'm gonna live forever....I'm gonna learn how to fly....

Those are just a few random thoughts plucked from my mind (the last is a song though, not random thought processes like the rest. haha). Lately, when people ask how I am, I never know quite what to say. There are so many things I love about my life, but there are also so many things about it that frustrate me, so that at any given moment I may be elated or down in the dumps. I have gained a lot of perspective lately, though, which helps so incredibly much if you're an overly emotional person like myself. Perspective shows you so much...it can show you when things are worth crying about, when they're worth being excited over, and that no matter what, even if whatever it is seems devestatingly horrible, something will change and make it better in some way or another. However, I usually prefer when my mind doesn't make that change come within two minutes, because usually in two more minutes I'm right back to feeling how I did before and then I just start thinking I'm bipolar!

Also, having the ability to write songs can be a lifesaver. :)

So, on a brighter and somewhat shallower note, I redecorated the walls of my room recently.

The pictures on the left were all made by my very talented sister, and the poster was made by myself for the dressing room I shared with one of my friends for Introspect.

Also, last week I found the exact shade of nailpolish I'd been looking for, which made me happy! It's sort of right between white and pink...

There. Classy. Pretty. I like. :D

I've also been reading Les Miserables again. Wonderful book. :) I started reading it during Phantom of the Opera, and even though that was back on February, I'm only on page 115 out of more than a thousand. It's not the biggest page-turner ever (not yet, at least), but I really love the style in which it's written. It's very unique, often going off on really random tangents, but there's also a piercing simplicity and clarity in everything he says.

So, it's almost 3 am. Wrenching myself out of my summer sleep schedule is NOT going to be easy when school starts. :P

Growing.

I've been putting off this post for weeks, mostly because my non-confrontational side was getting the better of me. This summer has been one of so much change and growth for me, and my opinions on just about everything are shifting. After a lot of thought, I decided that I do want to share some stuff on here, mostly because I'm a big believer in being honest and I don't want to feel like I can't be honest on my blog, of all places!

So, here are a few things I've learned over the summer. This certainly isn't everything, but it's a lot of things I've come to find important. Some of them are certainly cliched...but hey, they're true!

* Life is not going to come to you while you sit there waiting for it. People can't read your mind...they're not going to know that you want to talk to them, or that you want to do things, or even that you care about them, unless you say something. Opportunities are not going to fall into your lap without you persuing them. You have to rise and meet things...they're not going to always just come to you. In fact, they usually won't, and if you remain passive all your life, life will just end up passing you by.

* Putting things in perspective is a great skill to have. For example, just because someone doesn't want to be with you 24/7 and has other people they enjoy spending time with does not mean that you don't matter to them. Just look at it from your own point of view...no matter how much you love someone, you do need time away from them, and just because you need time away does not mean you love them any less. And just the fact that you love other people too does not lessen the value of this person in your life - love doesn't work like that. It doesn't have a certain capacity beyond which it cannot be filled...in fact, the opposite is true. The more you love, the more you are capable of loving.

* Externals really don't matter as much as many people seem to think they do. There are so many amazing people in the world, and it's just not right to completely write someone off because they don't dress or behave quite how you think they should. This is actually something I've started feeling pretty strongly about...I've noticed that there are so many people who adopt a very judgmental and non-Christian attitude towards most people they meet. Jesus Himself said that whoever among us is without sin can cast the first stone, and we can never truly know what another person's thoughts or reasons for their actions are. And besides, it is really not up to us to judge if they're right or wrong. No one is going to be reached by judgment and condemnation...only by love. And besides, you miss out on knowing so many wonderful, unique people if all you can see are the things you think they're doing wrong!

* God is love and love is God. Love is truly a beautiful thing, it can be found everywhere if you keep your eyes open, and it is something we all need. There's no shame in needing other people...there is great strength and value in independence, but there is also great strength to be found in admitting that yes, you do need other people.

* Putting a name to problems can really help solve them.

* If you think you know exactly what's going to happen in your life, you are most likely wrong. Things never stop changing, and while plans are good to have, you just have to accept that they are probably going to change once or twice (or ten or twenty...) times along the way.

* If you have fears, you have to face them...you can't let them consume you. This is so much more easily said than done, but it's true. A life ruled by fear is a miserable thing. Even if facing your fears is absolutely terrifying, it does get easier and you will have more regrets about not trying than you ever would have if you just remained in your safety zone. It's painful, it takes time and worry and tears, but knowing that you are breaking out and gaining independence and control over your life is worth it.

* And finally...the world is not a horrible place. Just because people are different from you (maybe they dress differently, attend a different church, have a different means of education) does not mean they are terrible people. I really believe that it is so, so important to view everyone as an individual person and not just judge them and cram them into categories. God made the world and everyone in it, and He loves each and every one of them more than we could imagine. Loving our neighbor does not mean judging our neighbor...it means loving them.

So yeah, that's an idea of what my thoughts have been in the past few months. It's certainly not everything, and I also certainly don't think I have all the answers now, but at least some things are starting to be clearer.

So, here's a quick update on my life, which is finally feeling like less of a black fog as far as what's happening in the near future goes!

"Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" finished about two weeks ago. It was the most amazing performance experience I've ever had, and I miss it and everyone involved sooooo much! It was such a unique show...I recommend reading this blog post about it, since it's the best explanation of it I've ever read. I learned so much from being a part of Introspect, and I've also decided that I do want to stay involved in theater. The whole experience mirrored what it would be like to be a professional a bit more closely than any other show I've been in, and I just loved it. It's just such a powerful medium, the opportunities are endless, dance is my passion, and I need theater people in my life. :)

I'm starting college in about a month! College had been extremely up in the air for basically forever, but to make a very long story short, I was accepted and given a very, very good financial aid offer at the university in town! I'm sooooo happy about this...I'd pretty much given up hope that I'd be able to go anywhere in the fall semester, both because I'd applied so late and also because I really did not want to completely wipe out my savings account right in the first semester. Classes start September 6...I don't know what exactly I'm taking yet since I still need to take placement tests and register. So I'll go there this year and transfer somewhere else next fall...I haven't decided where. That's another reason I'm super happy about all the financial aid - I'll actually be able to visit schools I'm interested in!

You may have noticed, I sort of overhauled my blog. I was actually toying with the idea of starting a completely new one, but I decided against it for a variety of reasons...I still really like this name and couldn't think of a better one; I have a lot of followers; and even though I've changed incredibly much and now strongly disagree with a lot of stuff I posted in the past, I am still me and it just shows how I've grown.

So, there's a post. Finally! I'm amazed that this still gets visitors every day...now you have something new to read!

Announcing...

...my Etsy shop, A Thousand Echoes! Lots of stuff is up and more is on the way, so check back often!


Thanks so much to everyone who answered the poll...it helped so much to know what people are interested in buying! And if you haven't answered it yet, feel free to offer your input.

And if you like what you see and would like to help me advertise, just copy and paste the code underneath the Etsy sidebar and it will display this picture:


with a link to my shop.

[random photos]

Cats do not like hot weather.However, they do enjoy squishing themselves into baskets that are almost too small for them.

Clouds are gorgeous.

I was very happy with this outfit from a few Sundays ago!
shoes - target; skirt - nice as new; camisole - kohl's; sweater - banana republic (via nice as new); bracelets - (peace sign) claire's (red) gift from a friend who bought it in italy (pearl) gift from a friend
The peonies are blooming and I put them all over the house.

quilt by my aunt

***

As I mentioned in another post, I'm working on getting an Etsy shop set up. If you could answer the poll question on the left-hand side of this page, that would help me very much! :)

SUMMER.

IT HAS FINALLY ARRIVED. <3

It's been in the 90s all week, and I love it.

For some reason, this hot, muggy weather makes me not want to sleep...in a good way. I'm not terribly tired at night, but I still want to get up early and see the gorgeousness of the mist rising off the grass into the sunlight of a new day.

Hasn't happened yet.

But there's always hope!

The warmth and my increased intake of water has also made my skin look fantastic, with the rather unpleasant side effect of feeling a bit like a water balloon. However...drum roll please, this is big...it's not even the middle of June and people, I already have the beginnings of a pretty legit tan! I did not even know this was possible for me! Not a burn, but a tan...and quite a few freckles, too! This makes me happy!

I rode my bike down to the library today. It was lovely on the way down. But I haven't invested in a bicycle lock yet, and the whole two hours I was there I was checking on my bike every 20 minutes. I don't want to lose it! It's pretty and shiny and green and I've had it for almost 10 years now...I wuves it. So yeah. Bicycle lock is definitely going on the shopping list, along with a nice wire bicycle basket so I don't have to break my shoulders or smoosh my lungs carrying alllllll my library books in a messenger bag.

I'm just feeling...motivated...even to the point of giving Etsy another shot. As soon as I actually get some stuff listed I will post the link! What with the college decision I've made (more details on that will be forthcoming), I'm really going to need a lot of money. So I'm hoping Etsy will work for me this time...well, and that I'll make it work ;)

Adieu.

So...

I am now a legal adult! Apparently I can now do all of the following:

1. Vote
2. Buy lottery tickets
3. Get a tattoo without parental consent
4. Get piercings without parental consent
5. Go to a casino
6. Sit in a bar (but no drinking...so what's the point of that?)
7. Take the driver's test without taking driver's ed
8. Buy tabacco
9. Go to a dance club
10. Fill out all the paperwork at the doctors' office
11. Smoke
12. Adopt a child
13. Get arrested

So basically, when you turn 18 you have full permission to be bad as you want, but you DO run the risk of being arrested for it.



Just kidding. ;)



However, there are a few I'm definitely planning on doing in the near future! Only good ones...naturally... 0:)

It was a wonderful birthday weekend. For starters, I got to see one of my favorite animals up close and personal!

Isn't it cuuute?

Look at its "ears" :D It was a windy day!

Then tthis morning I was happy because (among other things, of course!) I was able to wear my new dress. ;) Goodwill FTW...it cost $5!

I look dumb in that picture ^^ It was too early in the morning for photography! ;)

But this one turned out pretty well.

My dad and I took a bike ride all over town that afternoon. It was so much fun! We crossed two bridges, got food at the ice cream stand, and I started working on my tan. Because I just get sooo dark in the summer...right. haha

Now I wish we'd taken some pictures!

I still can't get over the around a hundred messages people wrote on my Facebook wall :) I feel very, very loved! Thank you so, soooo much, everyone...it very much made my day!

Be blown away...

I think there's probably one thing in everyone's life that they are always, always going to wish they could have done. For me, that is definitely figure skating! It's basically dancing on ice (really extreme dancing!), plus you can have the dream of someday competing in the Olympics. I've always loved watching figure skating, and I think I am always going to wish I could have done it. But some dreams were just not meant to be...

I came across this video of Yukari Nahano skating to the Bolero from Moulin Rouge. She is amazing. And here is Evan Lysacek skating to the Rhapsody in Blue. I've been a fan of his ever since the Olympics...he's incredibly talented, a great performer, and, well, he's pretty cute too. ;) Then this is a video I came across around the last Olympics, when I was looking at various figure skating videos...Xue Shen and Hongbo Zhao skating to this really gorgeous instrumental version of Queen's Who Wants to Live Forever. Those lifts...that requires such trust.

So, if you want to see some incredible skating to gorgeous music, watch those links! You will be blown away!

One day I'll fly away...

I don't think I mentioned anywhere in my last post that the post's title came from the song "Seasons of Love" from the musical RENT. It's a very, very good song...you can listen to it here. :)

You know, you all are very, very lucky that I am not a blogger who uses their blog to rant. I could be doing oh-so-much ranting right now...but I won't. 0:) Let's just say today (heck, let's just say many of the past days) hasn't been the greatest ever.

You know what I really want to do right now? Take a trip somewhere. I love traveling, and I love the new perspective that comes with it. I feel like I could use a lot of new perspective right now...new perspective, new experiences, something to take me away from all the things that drive me crazy in everyday life. When I come back, I'll be ready to deal with them again...but not now. Not now. And there are so, so many things driving me crazy right now.

Measure your life in love.

When I was 10, I thought that I had the future all figured out and there was just no way it could turn out any different from the timelines and plans I had carefully drawn up.

When I was 14, I was beginning to have an inkling that maybe life wasn't going to turn out quite how I had planned it, but it still seemed that it couldn't really be that different from what I expected.

When I was 16, I realized that yes, it could be that different. But maybe that was okay.

Now, I've realized that life will be nothing like what I ever expected it to be. Sometimes it will be so wonderful that it surpasses anything I ever imagined, sometimes it will just be bizarrely different, and sometimes it will seem so hellish that I'll wonder why God just stopped caring about me or anyone I love.

But He never does.

There is good that comes out of even the most awful things.

The love people have for each other will never fail to make any burden lighter.

Even when it feels like the world is caving in around you, like all you can do is sink into the ground and cry, it will pass. Thinking of that isn't necessarily going to do a thing right at that moment to ease the pain in your heart or the tears you're drowning in, but someday it really will pass, and you really will be stronger. It might seem like the coldest sort of comfort, but hang on. Hang on to something. Hang on to those you love. Hang on to God.

You will survive.

God actually does know what He is doing, even though sometimes it seems like, well...He doesn't. But He does, and He's known what He's doing long before the beginning of eternity. Trust, and beg, and pray, even when it seems hopeless.

It never is. Never.

Life is twisted and strange and oddly beautiful, and what seemed like the greatest curse can often turn out to be the greatest blessing.

Of growing up.

Wow...I have not blogged in forEVER. My life has been incredibly busy and stressful for about the last month, so therefore there was not much to blog about. Prayers for my family would be much appreciated...thank you! However, since I see that I still have several visitors every day (I LOVE YOU!), I decided I should make an effort and get something up for you to read!

Well, the most excited thing that has happened to me lately is being cast in this summer's production of "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" by Introspect Dance Company! IDC is a performance group that forms every summer, made up of people between the ages of 15 and 25. The story is told through dance and music performed by IDC's band (past performances were "Waiting on the World to Change", which focused on showing that teenagers really do care about issues in our world and care enough to do something about them, and "How to Save a Life", which focused on teen suicide, its causes, and the necessity of facing issues in your life). This year's show is about five people with troubled pasts who meet at a diner in Rhode Island, and the idea that you have to meet your problems head-on and cannot let them define you. I was cast as Tina, a friend of one of the main characters, and will be doing a lot of contemporary pointe, mostly to music by Vanessa Carlton - I absolutely loved what we learned at the callback! I am sooooo excited about this!!!

And once again, I am reminded how everything always works out for the best. I auditioned for Footloose about two months ago, and it was a kind of big blow to my confidence when I didn't get cast. However, now I am so glad I didn't! I probably would have thought I was too busy to audition for Introspect, and I really think I'm going to get so much more out of this than I would have gotten from Footloose. It's going to be a chance to really grow as an artist and be a part of something that will really affect people. Plus, I think it's just going to be a lot of fun...everyone is so friendly and creative and I really look forward to working with them! The first rehearsal is this afternoon...I can't wait!

***

I've been doing a lot of growing up in the past few months. I'll be 18 in a week and a half, and it's beginning to hit me that I'm almost an adult. And like so many things, it's not quite how I imagined it would be, but it also doesn't scare me nearly as much as I always thought it would. It's such an interesting time...you really start to understand the world and the people in it, including yourself. I've changed so much just in the past few months, but I'm realizing that deep inside, I'm exactly the same "me" I've been my entire life.

If you come from a conservative, homeschooled upbringing, maybe you have noticed that when the teenagers in your group of friends get to be 17, 18, 19, they change a lot. If you're anything like how I was, this was a cause of major concern - to all appearances, they've really "gone off the deep end". But now that I've reached that age myself, I can assure you, don't worry too much about them. Maybe they'll get more piercings than you approve of, or starting dating someone who isn't from your church, or suddenly seem to be hanging out with people at all hours of the day. But fear not - this is just something they have to do, and you'll probably do it as well to some degree or another when you're that age. We have to do it because we are inhabitants of this world, and at some point, we are going to be on our own in it. Up until now, parents and other responsible adults have made most of your decisions for you. You had to ask their permission to go places, to buy things, to be involved in anything. And that is how it should be. While you're growing up, you simply don't know enough to make the right decisions in certain situations, and often you don't even want to. I didn't, at least. I was always pretty happy to just ask my parents about everything and rely on their judgment.

But one day, you realize that soon, very soon, you're going to be the one making your decisions. You will be fully accountable for your actions. It is your own judgment you will be relying on. The pattern of your world is shifting and your parents are now in the role of advisor. This freedom can be intoxicating, but you need it. You need to learn how to navigate the world and make the right choices, and the only way you're going to learn this is by trying. Some things you try might not be the smartest in the long run, but if you always stay true to yourself and the values and morals you were raised on, you'll be fine. Just remember, the best, most admirable people are without a doubt the ones who aren't afraid to laugh and act crazy and have a good time, and at the same time aren't afraid to stand up for their values and beliefs and God, even when it goes against popular opinion. Those are the strong people. Those are definitely the cool people.

Entering adulthood is an extremely confusing time. You start questioning things you were raised to believe, because now you know that if you're going to believe something, you have to be convinced it's true. Some things that were always very important to you just aren't anymore, and other things you though would never matter to you suddenly do. The fact that man is not meant to be an island is brought home to you strongly, and the loneliness you sometimes experience feels like it's going to completely crush you and all you can do is cry. Then you feel like you're being weak for feeling like you really need other people, but it's fine. You do need them, and they need you.

And when people, people you looked up to when you were younger and people you counted as friends, look at you and just think, "Wow, she's turned into such a rebellious teenager," it really hurts. Yes, you are a teenager, and yes, you are going through a certain rebellion. But it's not always a bad thing. I'm sure those very people who are judging you for it did the same thing in their younger days. I guess they don't remember that even though the outside person might seem very different, the true person, the one inside, is really and truly the same person. They are growing. They are changing, yes, but changes are not always a bad thing. They're probably suffering more inside than you'll ever know. And all of this is going to make them a strong person someday. They have to know the world, so they can know what to keep and what reject. They have to test and question their beliefs, so that they can be completely convinced that faith and reason are in agreement and what they believe is the truth. They have to know and love other people, because, to quote Les Mis,

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

Day 18.

Day 18: A time when you felt passionate and alive.

That's easy. Absolutely any time I've been on stage. :)

A report on the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. :)

One of my parents (the fogginess of my just-awakened brain didn't register which one) woke me up around 3 am this morning. I thought, "Why are they waking me up?" and promptly fell back asleep...my brain basically just does NOT work in the first few minutes after I wake up...and the reason didn't register until my mom woke me up again almost an hour later.

"Oh! Right! It's the wedding!"

That thought immediately jolted me out of bed and downstairs to join the rest of my family, where they had been watching the coverage since 3 am. I am very much an Anglophile, as perhaps you've gathered, and I've been looking forward to the wedding ever since I heard about the proposal. A royal wedding is such an exciting thing to have happen in your lifetime! Of course, it would be better if I were actually from England, but I'll make do with remembering that a quarter of my lineage originated there and feel national pride in such a great event :)

Okay, to avoid this post being completely random and rambling and impossible to follow, I will write this in an orderly manner.

The gown - Ahhh...it was beautiful! Very simple, very classy, and very stunning. I loved it. The veil, too, was beautiful...so simple, but so exquistely flowing. And isn't she just absolutely beautiful? She looks like a princess...which is, of course, exactly what she is. :) I also really like the fact that she decided to wear her hair down, the way she normally wears it.

The ceremony - The ceremony was so, so beautiful. It was totally worth getting up at 4 am to experience it. It was completely traditional, the music was incredible (I absolutely LOVE choral music, so I'd been pretty excited just about the music, and it was a happy moment when they started singing "Jerusalem"!), and the sermon by the Anglican Bishop of London, beginning with a quote from St. Catherine of Siena - "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire," - whose feast it is today, was one of the best wedding sermons I've ever heard. If you'd like to read it (I really recommend it...it's also nice and short!), click here. I also thought that Catherine's brother James did an absolutely marvelous job reading...nice and slow, and very natural sounding.
The hats - Oh, those hats! I must say, I did not care for Princess Eugenie's (that really odd beige one with all the curlicues), but one of my favorites was worn by Sophie Winkleman. Lovely, is it not? It was so much fun seeing so many hats and classy, posh outfits.

The family - I just can't believe that Queen Elizabeth is 85 and Prince Philip is 90. They both looked so good! Prince Charles and Camilla also made a fine-looking couple, Camilla's dress was very festively spring-like, and I loved her hat. And Catherine's family looked absolutely wonderful! Very classy, very polished, very sure of themselves.

And, last but certainly not least...

William and Catherine - It's been said many, many times, but what a lovely couple they are! They both seemed so happy, and relaxed, and genuine, and I loved the way they looked at each other during the ceremony, especially the smiles they exchanged during the vows. It was really a privilege to be able to witness it. I'm so happy for them, and I wish them all the best and hope and pray that they will continue to know much happiness together!

Day 17.

Day 17: An art piece.

Hmmm. I've always liked art, even though at the moment I'm only mediocre at drawing. That could change someday...I just don't really feel like putting in the effort right now. But anyways. I have tons of favorite artists...I've always especially liked the Impressionists. However, this is a painting by someone with a very different style, which I've also always loved.

"Nighthawks", by Edward Hopper

This has been one of my favorite paintings since I saw it for the first time when I was...7? 8? I just love his stark realism and use of light. Often we'll be driving in the early morning and I'll see light hitting a brick building, casting sharp shadows, and think, "That looks like an Edward Hopper painting."

* * *

So...today was the day! I am now sans all four wisdom teeth, my last baby tooth, and have an odd assortment of rubber bands and chains attaching my impacted tooth to my braces in the hopes that one day (about six months all together, so we hope) it will pop from the roof of my mouth to the place it should be. My face is now square-shaped instead of heart-shaped, and I don't exactly look like myself. Plus, I'm having this agonizing craving for PIZZA. Not more pudding and Yo-J...gah...

My appointment this morning was for 9:45, so I slept in until about 9:15 am. Less time to get nervous! Thankfully my mom saw me starting to take a drink of water right before we left the house and was able to stop me, so my agony didn't have to be postponed (you can't eat or drink anything at all for six hours before the operation). We arrived, I drummed my fingers on the arms of the waiting room chair and obsessively slumped down and sat up again in nervousness for the five minutes we had to wait, and then I was ushered into the torture chamber... *cough* I mean the operating room. The part that really made me most nervous was the thought of the IV...I have this horrific fear of needles (actually, I've been getting it under control lately...getting stitches helped me overcome it!) that stems from my first experience with them. I was eight years old, I got blood drawn, and they hit a nerve. PAIN.

Anyway...back to the present. The nurse, of course, reassured me that it really wasn't that bad, and I, of course, was not convinced. She stuck heart monitors on me and I was entertained for a while by watching my heart rate go up and down...it usually stayed in the 80s, but if I was perfectly still it went down to 64 and if I moved around a lot it started pushing 100. When the time for the IV to be inserted, it went up to 106. haha So I closed my eyes, extended my arm, she tied a tourniquet around it, I started squirming in discomfort, she told me to just relax because the needle would go in much more easily, and then she suddenly remembered the skin-numbing spray she'd told me about earlier and sprayed so much on my arm that it ran down the sides. Then she stuck in the needle.

"Does it hurt?"

"Um...yes!" In lieu of going stiff as a board and gritting my teeth, I was writhing around and groaning. I've also started to actually be honest when the doctors ask me questions. :P "It hurts! It stings! Ahhhh!" I started giggling hysterically...that's my usual odd nervous reaction.

"Oh, it's okay. Ha, I laugh when I'm nervous too!" This, naturally, made me laugh even harder. She pulled out the needle, making me contract into a ball with another hollow groan, and the oral surgeon, who was walking by and glanced in the room right then, do a double take.

After about five or ten more minutes, the oral surgeon came into the room, loudly exclaiming, "So, are you ready? DUN DUN DUN." My mom informed him that was not the atmosphere we were going for. ;) Then we said our farewells, the surgeon patted me on the head and said they'd take good care of me, two more nurses entered the room, and one of them stuck this plastic thing with prongs into my nose without any preamble. I inhaled the cold air, thought it felt like laughing gas and therefore instantly wanted to start hyperventilating, but forced myself to stay calm.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"Oh, fine...just what is this thing in my nose?"

"That's just oxygen."

"Mmmm...I see." I closed my eyes, settled back in the chair, she jammed a huge piece of plastic in my mouth to prop open my jaws, and next thing I knew I was opening my eyes, hearing Cee-Lo sing, "And I thought, forget you...OOH OOH OOOOOH!", and the first nurse say, "Okay, you're all done!"

I blearily sat up, and then my mom came in. My memory is a bit foggy, but I remember the nurse replacing the gauze between my jaws and handing me my teeth in a little paper cup contained in a plastic bag that said "Biohazard". After that she handed me some paper and a pen to write on, since I couldn't talk, and I asked and answered some questions for a while. The operation took about an hour and a half...longer than expected...the surgeon said my teeth did not want to leave me. Then the nurse tied ice packs around my face and I sat up.

"Just wait a second...I'll get the wheelchair."

"Wheelchair? What the heck?" I started to stand up. Oh.

So they wheeled me out the car, my mouth started hurting worse and worse, and eventually I started crying and felt absolutely, utterly miserable and in pain for about half an hour. Only being able to communicate by paper didn't help any. Oh, and neither did the fact that it was about 1:30 pm and I hadn't eaten or drank anything all day! But then I got situated at home, ate and drank, and then had an absolutely wonderful iced coffee my wonderful mother had bought for me, and my good spirits were restored. I was also cheered by the fact that the space where the incisor on the right side of my mouth should be didn't look quite as horrible as I'd expected, and it will be gone in a few months!

So there, my friends, is a pretty much blow-by-blow account of my oral surgery. Wellllll, maybe not exactly...I wasn't awake for that part. ;) I'm happy it's gone so well so far, and hopefully the pain and swelling will go down and I'll be able to go to work on Friday!

* * *

And wow, I feel dumb. I totally forgot to wish you all a very happy and blessed Easter! Even though I had to work from 9 to 5, my Easter was wonderful, and the Easter Vigil Mass the previous night was absolutely gorgeous.

HAPPY EASTER!

O happy fault, that merited for us so great a Redeemer!

Day 16.

Day 16: A song that always makes you cry.

There actually isn't a song that always, without fail, makes me cry. Sure, plenty of songs have made me tear up or cry for various reasons, but there aren't any that always have that effect. Sorry...that was a boring day. ;)

* * *

This is actually pretty old news, but I got my hair cut last Friday and I really like how it turned out. The stylist did exactly what I've always wished a stylist would do...really seemed to know what she was doing, checked my face shape, had lots of suggestions, and then just dove in fearlessly with a pair of scissors and made my hair look awesome. Et voila... Yay! So yes, I'm liking my hair at the moment.

*

I can't believe it's already Holy Week. This Lent hasn't been the best ever, to be honest. I actually keep forgetting that it's Lent, partly because I can't go to Stations on Fridays anymore because of work, I've not been doing a good job of keeping my resolutions, and...yeah. These past few months have been pretty stressful for many different reasons, and I guess I've been distracted. But I think everyone goes through times like this at some point, and I'm going to try to make the Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday) count as much as possible...even though I have to work Good Friday (I'll be able to go to Stations in the morning, though, and part of the afternoon service) and Easter. :( Oh well. I will try.

Day 15.

Day 15: Something you've always wanted to do.

There are so, so, SO many things that I could mention for this, but I just randomly pick something and say: dance a solo at the recital. I was going to this year but ran out of time because of being in POTO (which was of course totally worth it!), but I really, really want to next year. The song I was planning to do is Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush, and next year, if my finances allow me to do two, I'd love to do that and Jump by Madonna. Jump is sort of the theme song of my sister and me, plus, if you listen to the words, isn't it the absolute perfect song for a senior solo? I think doing a solo would be such a wonderful experience...just that sensation of being the only one on the stage, and feeling one with the music.

Day 14.

Day 14: A vacation you would like to take.

Okay, there are literally (well...maybe not exactly literally...) about ten zillion places I'd love to visit, but I'll just pick one and say the British Isles.

You have the Chalk Cliffs of Dover...

...and the quintessential beautiful English countryside...

...and the breath-taking Lake District...

...gah, it's so gorgeous...it looks like New Zealand or something...

...and London...

...and Yorkshire...

...I'd also like to visit Wales...

...as well as Scotland...

...and while I'm over there, even though it isn't technically a British Isle, I guess, I would love to visit Ireland...

...especially this - the Giant's Causeway.

All of those places also have the added bonus of being some of my "ancestral homelands"!

Of course, there are many, many other places I hope to go someday... among others, Italy and France and Greece and, most especially, Australia and New Zealand. The way those two countries are so different from the rest of the world fascinates me. I've always thought that it would be absolutely awesome to do archeology work there. Maybe after my mid-life crisis. ;)

Day 13.

Day 13: A guilty pleasure.

And why should I share this with you all? o.O Just kidding... Hm. I have a few, and it kind of depends on who I'm talking to whether or not it seems guilty. Well, one is that I've gotten kinda addicted to Glee. To some this would be a capital sin, to others an induction into a club of awesomeness. What can I say...it's often almost painfully cheesy, the morals aren't the greatest, and while sometimes the singing and dancing is pure awesomeness, there are also times it misses the mark...but it's so addicting. I'm not really a fan exactly, but I like watching it. Another is rap and hip hop music. I can't help it...I like it! Again, this is something that would seem normal to some and shocking to others...so I guess my guilty pleasures are sort of relative. If the words are totally nasty I don't listen to it, but often I can't understand what they're saying anyway. :P I have found that a little bit goes a long way, though. Other than that...nah.

* * *

I'm auditioning for Footloose tomorrow! And of course I have a cold...right on cue. Well, at least it's not a sinus infection like I had when I auditioned for POTO! I'm singing "I Dreamed a Dream", and unfortunately I have to do a monologue... *headdesk* I hate those...I'm not really sure why though. Oh well...it'll be fine!

Dance tonight wasn't the greatest ever, thanks to my cold making me feel like my brain was wrapped in gauze and my legs had lead weights tied to them. And then...Intelligent Ivy Moment of the Day. Even though I'd been feeling weak and out of it during all of my classes, I came home and tried to do fouette turns in our rather small living room...that ended with me in a heap on the floor. haha At least stitches weren't involved this time!

Oh, I've found two new favorite artists - Adele and Owl City! I absolutely love Adele's Rolling in the Deep, and even though I still honestly can't stand Vanilla Twilight, I've always loved Fireflies and I've found that I like a lot more of his music, especially Rainbow Veins and Hello Seattle. I'm happy, because I've always loved the name Owl City. :D

Yesterday my sister and I walked over the theater downtown to watch the dance competition. Some of our friends from our studio competed, and they all looked amazing! I was proud to be from that studio. :) Then we walked around downtown because it was such an incredibly warm, sunny, beautiful day, and ran into a Phantom person (meaning, a person we know from POTO ;) ). It was an awesome foretaste-of-summer day.

However, all good things must come to an end, and our sudden summer weather ended in a tornado, as I mentioned yesterday. It actually didn't hit my town (we didn't even get any rain! :D ), but a town north of us that my best friend lives in was hit pretty bad, and the house of a couple from our church had the roof ripped off. Please keep them all in your prayers!

Day 12.

I'm finally doing this post...I've been putting it off for forever because I didn't know how to answer it. :P

Day 12: A song you want played at your wedding.

Well, there's a ton of songs I'd like played at the reception just because I like them and they're good songs to dance to, there's a few hymns I would like at the actual ceremony, but for a first-dance type song...that's going to be whatever is me and my future husband's song. Soooo...check back in five or ten years or so, okay? ;)

* * *

IT FINALLY FEELS LIKE SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It actually feels almost more like summer...I think it's the humidity. But I am SO incredible happy! Warm weather took far too long to come this year! I'm also super excited because...remember that blog party I mentioned last week at horsefeathers? The winners were picked yesterday and I was one of them! :D I have never won anything in a drawing before, so I'm super excited...especially because it's a $25 gift certificate to this Etsy store! *dances with excitement to think that she can actually buy one of those gorgeous headbands* Thank you so much, Olivia! Now we have tornado warnings, and the guy on the radio made me laugh so hard I just about cried by saying, "If you're driving, get off the road and into some permanent structure, or just get in a ditch, put your face down, and cover your important body parts with your arms." ...yeah, last I checked they were all pretty important. And apparently arms don't make the cut...

Day 11.

Day 11: A photo of you taken recently.

This picture was taken last weekend when I spent a very fun day with a friend of mine walking around downtown, taking pictures, and doing some shopping. We found this amazing chair at a consignment shop...I want it! So does my sister! So does my friend! It was funny, because the lady working there saw us taking pictures of the chair and said, "That is a pretty cool chair, isn't it?" My friend and I both agreed. "A little girl was sitting in it the other day," she continued, "and I told her that if she wasn't careful, she was going to turn into a huge foot. She got up pretty fast...I think I might have scared her!"

* * *

And a very happy birthday to my absolutely wonderful mom! :)

Day 10.

Day 10: A picture of you taken more than 10 years ago.

This is me at the age of 5 (about 12 years ago), at one of THE coolest parks EVER. I loved it! As perhaps you can see, there are all these awesome hidey-holes and crawlspaces and hidden spots (like those tires), and even a rocket ship - that white thing in the background. I think the only reason I'm not smiling is that I'm trying to do the cool and sophisticated look (yeah...not sure if that's happening, considering my clothes ;) ), or else I just didn't want my picture taken at the moment. Knowing me, either one is about equally possible. haha

Day 9.

Day 9: A photo you took.

That was taking coming home from my awesome visit to Christendom College! Seeing the clouds from an airplane for the first time is an experience like no other.

* * *

I did most of my summer clothes shopping at Nice as New this past weekend, and I found some really cute things! Such as...

...these shoes! They're soooo pretty...and they were only $7!

And they go perfectly with this skirt...I just need to find a top and I'll have an outfit for Easter!

I finally found a nice black skirt.

I LOVE this sweatshirt. It's one of those things that looked sort of terrible hanging on the rack but really nice after I was actually wearing it, and it's so so comfortable.

Then I found two sweatshirts, right next to each other on the rack, that both warranted a happy dance!

I have always wanted a "Nightmare Before Christmas" sweatshirt!

Then I found this...a sweatshirt from that performance of "Les Mis" that made me fall in love with theater 6 years ago.

EPIC WIN.