Friday, January 6, 2012
So, head over to singing in the dark (same name....I could not come up with a better one!) and follow me!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Very, very muchly. So I'm going to try to get back into blogging, especially since I think I think I'll have things to say again!
Right now I'm reading blog posts from a year ago, and my goodness....it's incredible how much I've changed. Some of what I wrote just makes me laugh and roll my eyes, but other parts just make me miss the innocent, trusting, idealistic me of only last year so very much. Well, it could be argued that these adjectives could still be used to describe me (the first and last, at least), but let's just say there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then. So much has been lost that will never be regained, but I'm realizing that that's the way it has to be. To gain, we must lose. To see the light, we must first see the darkness.
Well, to start things off, college is going well. It's taken a lot of adjustment and all-in-all I'm very glad that it turned out that I'm still living at home this year, but I've made friends and am enjoying my classes. Studying....that's another story. Ex-homeschooler = studying is a fail. Well, for me at least...maybe other ex-homeschoolers nonetheless have mad studying skills, and perhaps they'd like to aid me? I'm not too happy with the grades I've gotten so far, but like I said, I'm still developing the fine art of studying. Plus, I'm taking a lot of music classes, this is the first time I've done anything musical other than sing, and everyone tells me that this particular school is very tough (they like to fool you...you'd think a two-year college would be comparatively easy, right? Not necessarily so, my friends.), so I'm trying not to feel too much like I'm made of fail. Just enough to spur me on to harder work and better things... Voice lessons, however, are pretty much made of win. I have a wonderful teacher, I've made so much progress already which is very exciting, and I'll be starting to learn a song in a week or two!
It's been a coming-out-of-the-tunnel sort of weekend for me, metaphorically speaking. As I've mentioned previously, this has not been the easiest year. Lots of things happened and made me question just about everything, but I've finally been getting my priorities back in order and pulling all the bits and pieces together to figure out who I am. It's amazing how much happier that can make a person, that knowledge that who you are and what you believe in is something you can stand by and not be ashamed of.
Yesterday, my mom and I went on a pilgrimage with some people from our church to this shrine, the site of the only approved Marian apparition in the U.S, which is pretty amazing. We drove there with a family from our church and had a great conversation with them on both trips. One thing the father said really struck me: "God wants us to be either hot or cold...He can't stand it if we're just lukewarm." Well, not that He'd technically want us to be cold, but it makes a point. It's something I've always known, but have definitely needed to be reminded of lately. I really do not like how lukewarm I've become, both in regard to God and in regard to other things in my life. After all, what point is there to a life that isn't lived to its fullest? What point is there in having beliefs if you're afraid to live them? What is a person if they lack courage?
During Mass I started thinking, as usual, about the future and all my trepidation concerning it. But something has changed and I no longer feel quite so hopelessly rudderless...less like a drowning person reaching for driftwood and more like someone in a perfectly decent boat that actually might be steerable. Putting God back into His rightful place of number one in your life makes such a difference :) The future is suddenly looking much less hazy, and I've returned to my original plan of transferring to Christendom next year. Ah, you don't even know how happy this makes me. This is the third time I've seriously revisited that idea, and just the fact that I keep coming back to it and every time it seems more and more right is very reassuring. WOOHOO!
Lots of things lately have been coming together to nudge me in that direction, one of them being a radio segment I heard on the Catholic station last week in which they were discussing colleges. The main point that stuck with me was that, in the long term scheme of things, four years is really not that long, and you will have ample time to meet a wide diversity of people in your lifetime. A lot of young Catholics on the quest for their ideal college, and I include myself, will sometimes balk at a college that seems "too Catholic", or just a Catholic college, period, thinking that they're missing out on knowing a diverse mix of people, and fearing that they're just locking themselves in a big bubble. But, as this speaker pointed out, these four years of your life are one little, albeit important, step in the big picture. It's doubtful that not being exposed to a wide variety of people at a huge public university is going to change you into a narrowminded bigot. However, chances are that four years at a college where the values and beliefs you have already established are shared with the vast majority of students will help you become a person who is rock-solid in their beliefs, rich in true friendships, and confident in the person they are. Plus, the rumor that all Catholic colleges are full of socially inept nerds is just that...a rumor. Just from my one visit to Christendom, I learned that while some do fit into this mold (and hey, that is not necessarily a bad thing...most nerdy people are absolutely lovely and fascinating), the majority are very normal young adults who dress and and talk and act like most nice, upstanding people you'd meet anywhere else. Why wouldn't you want to spend four formative years of your life in their company?
I know that this can vary widely from person to person. I've met absolutely amazing people who fit perfectly at the public colleges they attend, and I wouldn't deny that for many, this is the road to take. I've concluded, however, that my road to higher education is the road to a Catholic college. That's where I'll truly grow and thrive and become the person I should be. Sure, I could be happy somewhere else, but a Catholic college is where I'll be free to really become myself, to make true, life-long friends, to get the education I truly desire. We only have one life. Why settle for second-best when you could reach your dream by stretching just a little bit farther?
Oh, and presenting my latest favorite song...
Sunday, August 28, 2011
When I was 5 or 6, I had this super bad habit of constantly changing my clothes...I'd go through about four different outfits in a single day. Now I (usually) can stay in the same clothes all day, but I still love coming up with different combinations of whatever happens to be in my closet. And some days, I really like what I come up with!
Today was one of those days, so I took myself on a photo shoot (yay for timers on cameras)...out on the roof! Yep...that be an honest-to-goodness rooftop. I had to crawl out the window and everything. :D
Being photographer/model is a good time :D
Call me crazy, but one thing that I am really looking forward to about school is having somewhere to go every day, so I can wear nicer clothes and not feel like I'm wasting them by staying home! Although, I suppose that technically if you enjoy wearing the clothes it's not really a waste even if you never step out of the house all day, but it's still more fun to be all dressed up and have somewhere to go. I've started getting more into accessories...they just add so much more depth and interest to outfits. See those bracelets I'm wearing? They came in a set of about 20, some with charms and some just knotted cord, and I love 'em. And, of course, there's scarves. :D
I got my schedules for fall! It's looking pretty darn busy...but I think I'm going to enjoy it. Mondays are psychology, English (I got placed in 102...sooo happy about that!), and chorus, plus ballet, pointe, and lyrical at my dance studio in the evening; Tuesday is Intro to Acting, math, and vocal technique, plus ballet (it's a lower level class, but I'm taking it on pointe), hip hop, and modern; Wednesday has the same college class schedule as Monday, with church choir practice in the evening; Thursday is the same as Tuesday, with the exception of jazz, ballet, and assisting with a modern class; and Friday is the same class schedule as Monday and Wednesday, and I work at the country club 4 pm to closing! I'm also doing the performance group again this year, so I'll be at dance every Saturday from 10 am to 2 pm.
*tries not to die*
But I'm looking forward to it. :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
Those are just a few random thoughts plucked from my mind (the last is a song though, not random thought processes like the rest. haha). Lately, when people ask how I am, I never know quite what to say. There are so many things I love about my life, but there are also so many things about it that frustrate me, so that at any given moment I may be elated or down in the dumps. I have gained a lot of perspective lately, though, which helps so incredibly much if you're an overly emotional person like myself. Perspective shows you so much...it can show you when things are worth crying about, when they're worth being excited over, and that no matter what, even if whatever it is seems devestatingly horrible, something will change and make it better in some way or another. However, I usually prefer when my mind doesn't make that change come within two minutes, because usually in two more minutes I'm right back to feeling how I did before and then I just start thinking I'm bipolar!
Also, having the ability to write songs can be a lifesaver. :)
The pictures on the left were all made by my very talented sister, and the poster was made by myself for the dressing room I shared with one of my friends for Introspect.
Also, last week I found the exact shade of nailpolish I'd been looking for, which made me happy! It's sort of right between white and pink...
There. Classy. Pretty. I like. :D
I've also been reading Les Miserables again. Wonderful book. :) I started reading it during Phantom of the Opera, and even though that was back on February, I'm only on page 115 out of more than a thousand. It's not the biggest page-turner ever (not yet, at least), but I really love the style in which it's written. It's very unique, often going off on really random tangents, but there's also a piercing simplicity and clarity in everything he says.
So, it's almost 3 am. Wrenching myself out of my summer sleep schedule is NOT going to be easy when school starts. :P
Saturday, July 30, 2011
So, here are a few things I've learned over the summer. This certainly isn't everything, but it's a lot of things I've come to find important. Some of them are certainly cliched...but hey, they're true!
* Life is not going to come to you while you sit there waiting for it. People can't read your mind...they're not going to know that you want to talk to them, or that you want to do things, or even that you care about them, unless you say something. Opportunities are not going to fall into your lap without you persuing them. You have to rise and meet things...they're not going to always just come to you. In fact, they usually won't, and if you remain passive all your life, life will just end up passing you by.
* Putting things in perspective is a great skill to have. For example, just because someone doesn't want to be with you 24/7 and has other people they enjoy spending time with does not mean that you don't matter to them. Just look at it from your own point of view...no matter how much you love someone, you do need time away from them, and just because you need time away does not mean you love them any less. And just the fact that you love other people too does not lessen the value of this person in your life - love doesn't work like that. It doesn't have a certain capacity beyond which it cannot be filled...in fact, the opposite is true. The more you love, the more you are capable of loving.
* Externals really don't matter as much as many people seem to think they do. There are so many amazing people in the world, and it's just not right to completely write someone off because they don't dress or behave quite how you think they should. This is actually something I've started feeling pretty strongly about...I've noticed that there are so many people who adopt a very judgmental and non-Christian attitude towards most people they meet. Jesus Himself said that whoever among us is without sin can cast the first stone, and we can never truly know what another person's thoughts or reasons for their actions are. And besides, it is really not up to us to judge if they're right or wrong. No one is going to be reached by judgment and condemnation...only by love. And besides, you miss out on knowing so many wonderful, unique people if all you can see are the things you think they're doing wrong!
* God is love and love is God. Love is truly a beautiful thing, it can be found everywhere if you keep your eyes open, and it is something we all need. There's no shame in needing other people...there is great strength and value in independence, but there is also great strength to be found in admitting that yes, you do need other people.
* Putting a name to problems can really help solve them.
* If you think you know exactly what's going to happen in your life, you are most likely wrong. Things never stop changing, and while plans are good to have, you just have to accept that they are probably going to change once or twice (or ten or twenty...) times along the way.
* If you have fears, you have to face them...you can't let them consume you. This is so much more easily said than done, but it's true. A life ruled by fear is a miserable thing. Even if facing your fears is absolutely terrifying, it does get easier and you will have more regrets about not trying than you ever would have if you just remained in your safety zone. It's painful, it takes time and worry and tears, but knowing that you are breaking out and gaining independence and control over your life is worth it.
* And finally...the world is not a horrible place. Just because people are different from you (maybe they dress differently, attend a different church, have a different means of education) does not mean they are terrible people. I really believe that it is so, so important to view everyone as an individual person and not just judge them and cram them into categories. God made the world and everyone in it, and He loves each and every one of them more than we could imagine. Loving our neighbor does not mean judging our neighbor...it means loving them.
So yeah, that's an idea of what my thoughts have been in the past few months. It's certainly not everything, and I also certainly don't think I have all the answers now, but at least some things are starting to be clearer.
So, here's a quick update on my life, which is finally feeling like less of a black fog as far as what's happening in the near future goes!
"Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" finished about two weeks ago. It was the most amazing performance experience I've ever had, and I miss it and everyone involved sooooo much! It was such a unique show...I recommend reading this blog post about it, since it's the best explanation of it I've ever read. I learned so much from being a part of Introspect, and I've also decided that I do want to stay involved in theater. The whole experience mirrored what it would be like to be a professional a bit more closely than any other show I've been in, and I just loved it. It's just such a powerful medium, the opportunities are endless, dance is my passion, and I need theater people in my life. :)
I'm starting college in about a month! College had been extremely up in the air for basically forever, but to make a very long story short, I was accepted and given a very, very good financial aid offer at the university in town! I'm sooooo happy about this...I'd pretty much given up hope that I'd be able to go anywhere in the fall semester, both because I'd applied so late and also because I really did not want to completely wipe out my savings account right in the first semester. Classes start September 6...I don't know what exactly I'm taking yet since I still need to take placement tests and register. So I'll go there this year and transfer somewhere else next fall...I haven't decided where. That's another reason I'm super happy about all the financial aid - I'll actually be able to visit schools I'm interested in!
You may have noticed, I sort of overhauled my blog. I was actually toying with the idea of starting a completely new one, but I decided against it for a variety of reasons...I still really like this name and couldn't think of a better one; I have a lot of followers; and even though I've changed incredibly much and now strongly disagree with a lot of stuff I posted in the past, I am still me and it just shows how I've grown.
So, there's a post. Finally! I'm amazed that this still gets visitors every day...now you have something new to read!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thanks so much to everyone who answered the poll...it helped so much to know what people are interested in buying! And if you haven't answered it yet, feel free to offer your input.
And if you like what you see and would like to help me advertise, just copy and paste the code underneath the Etsy sidebar and it will display this picture:
with a link to my shop.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
shoes - target; skirt - nice as new; camisole - kohl's; sweater - banana republic (via nice as new); bracelets - (peace sign) claire's (red) gift from a friend who bought it in italy (pearl) gift from a friend
The peonies are blooming and I put them all over the house.
quilt by my aunt