One day I'll fly away...

I don't think I mentioned anywhere in my last post that the post's title came from the song "Seasons of Love" from the musical RENT. It's a very, very good song...you can listen to it here. :)

You know, you all are very, very lucky that I am not a blogger who uses their blog to rant. I could be doing oh-so-much ranting right now...but I won't. 0:) Let's just say today (heck, let's just say many of the past days) hasn't been the greatest ever.

You know what I really want to do right now? Take a trip somewhere. I love traveling, and I love the new perspective that comes with it. I feel like I could use a lot of new perspective right now...new perspective, new experiences, something to take me away from all the things that drive me crazy in everyday life. When I come back, I'll be ready to deal with them again...but not now. Not now. And there are so, so many things driving me crazy right now.

Measure your life in love.

When I was 10, I thought that I had the future all figured out and there was just no way it could turn out any different from the timelines and plans I had carefully drawn up.

When I was 14, I was beginning to have an inkling that maybe life wasn't going to turn out quite how I had planned it, but it still seemed that it couldn't really be that different from what I expected.

When I was 16, I realized that yes, it could be that different. But maybe that was okay.

Now, I've realized that life will be nothing like what I ever expected it to be. Sometimes it will be so wonderful that it surpasses anything I ever imagined, sometimes it will just be bizarrely different, and sometimes it will seem so hellish that I'll wonder why God just stopped caring about me or anyone I love.

But He never does.

There is good that comes out of even the most awful things.

The love people have for each other will never fail to make any burden lighter.

Even when it feels like the world is caving in around you, like all you can do is sink into the ground and cry, it will pass. Thinking of that isn't necessarily going to do a thing right at that moment to ease the pain in your heart or the tears you're drowning in, but someday it really will pass, and you really will be stronger. It might seem like the coldest sort of comfort, but hang on. Hang on to something. Hang on to those you love. Hang on to God.

You will survive.

God actually does know what He is doing, even though sometimes it seems like, well...He doesn't. But He does, and He's known what He's doing long before the beginning of eternity. Trust, and beg, and pray, even when it seems hopeless.

It never is. Never.

Life is twisted and strange and oddly beautiful, and what seemed like the greatest curse can often turn out to be the greatest blessing.

Of growing up.

Wow...I have not blogged in forEVER. My life has been incredibly busy and stressful for about the last month, so therefore there was not much to blog about. Prayers for my family would be much appreciated...thank you! However, since I see that I still have several visitors every day (I LOVE YOU!), I decided I should make an effort and get something up for you to read!

Well, the most excited thing that has happened to me lately is being cast in this summer's production of "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" by Introspect Dance Company! IDC is a performance group that forms every summer, made up of people between the ages of 15 and 25. The story is told through dance and music performed by IDC's band (past performances were "Waiting on the World to Change", which focused on showing that teenagers really do care about issues in our world and care enough to do something about them, and "How to Save a Life", which focused on teen suicide, its causes, and the necessity of facing issues in your life). This year's show is about five people with troubled pasts who meet at a diner in Rhode Island, and the idea that you have to meet your problems head-on and cannot let them define you. I was cast as Tina, a friend of one of the main characters, and will be doing a lot of contemporary pointe, mostly to music by Vanessa Carlton - I absolutely loved what we learned at the callback! I am sooooo excited about this!!!

And once again, I am reminded how everything always works out for the best. I auditioned for Footloose about two months ago, and it was a kind of big blow to my confidence when I didn't get cast. However, now I am so glad I didn't! I probably would have thought I was too busy to audition for Introspect, and I really think I'm going to get so much more out of this than I would have gotten from Footloose. It's going to be a chance to really grow as an artist and be a part of something that will really affect people. Plus, I think it's just going to be a lot of fun...everyone is so friendly and creative and I really look forward to working with them! The first rehearsal is this afternoon...I can't wait!

***

I've been doing a lot of growing up in the past few months. I'll be 18 in a week and a half, and it's beginning to hit me that I'm almost an adult. And like so many things, it's not quite how I imagined it would be, but it also doesn't scare me nearly as much as I always thought it would. It's such an interesting time...you really start to understand the world and the people in it, including yourself. I've changed so much just in the past few months, but I'm realizing that deep inside, I'm exactly the same "me" I've been my entire life.

If you come from a conservative, homeschooled upbringing, maybe you have noticed that when the teenagers in your group of friends get to be 17, 18, 19, they change a lot. If you're anything like how I was, this was a cause of major concern - to all appearances, they've really "gone off the deep end". But now that I've reached that age myself, I can assure you, don't worry too much about them. Maybe they'll get more piercings than you approve of, or starting dating someone who isn't from your church, or suddenly seem to be hanging out with people at all hours of the day. But fear not - this is just something they have to do, and you'll probably do it as well to some degree or another when you're that age. We have to do it because we are inhabitants of this world, and at some point, we are going to be on our own in it. Up until now, parents and other responsible adults have made most of your decisions for you. You had to ask their permission to go places, to buy things, to be involved in anything. And that is how it should be. While you're growing up, you simply don't know enough to make the right decisions in certain situations, and often you don't even want to. I didn't, at least. I was always pretty happy to just ask my parents about everything and rely on their judgment.

But one day, you realize that soon, very soon, you're going to be the one making your decisions. You will be fully accountable for your actions. It is your own judgment you will be relying on. The pattern of your world is shifting and your parents are now in the role of advisor. This freedom can be intoxicating, but you need it. You need to learn how to navigate the world and make the right choices, and the only way you're going to learn this is by trying. Some things you try might not be the smartest in the long run, but if you always stay true to yourself and the values and morals you were raised on, you'll be fine. Just remember, the best, most admirable people are without a doubt the ones who aren't afraid to laugh and act crazy and have a good time, and at the same time aren't afraid to stand up for their values and beliefs and God, even when it goes against popular opinion. Those are the strong people. Those are definitely the cool people.

Entering adulthood is an extremely confusing time. You start questioning things you were raised to believe, because now you know that if you're going to believe something, you have to be convinced it's true. Some things that were always very important to you just aren't anymore, and other things you though would never matter to you suddenly do. The fact that man is not meant to be an island is brought home to you strongly, and the loneliness you sometimes experience feels like it's going to completely crush you and all you can do is cry. Then you feel like you're being weak for feeling like you really need other people, but it's fine. You do need them, and they need you.

And when people, people you looked up to when you were younger and people you counted as friends, look at you and just think, "Wow, she's turned into such a rebellious teenager," it really hurts. Yes, you are a teenager, and yes, you are going through a certain rebellion. But it's not always a bad thing. I'm sure those very people who are judging you for it did the same thing in their younger days. I guess they don't remember that even though the outside person might seem very different, the true person, the one inside, is really and truly the same person. They are growing. They are changing, yes, but changes are not always a bad thing. They're probably suffering more inside than you'll ever know. And all of this is going to make them a strong person someday. They have to know the world, so they can know what to keep and what reject. They have to test and question their beliefs, so that they can be completely convinced that faith and reason are in agreement and what they believe is the truth. They have to know and love other people, because, to quote Les Mis,

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

A paean to the arts.

paean -noun: any song of praise, joy, or triumph

I haven't been posting on here much lately. For a while I was just too busy with POTO, but now I have way more time than I know what to do with and just nothing to say. (Except for: I MISS PHANTOM!!! It's been nearly two weeks since it ended, but there is still a hole in my life. *sigh*) So many things have been changing lately, mostly my plans for the future. Being a part of Phantom of the Opera really made up my mind on something that has always been floating in the back of my psyche. I decided that the performing arts is really something I want to be a part of for the long term. I haven't decided yet on the specifics, but it will be something related to music and dance and the theater! The more I think about it, I realize that the performing arts have really always been a part of me. When I was very young - about five - I sang constantly and fearlessly and would give concerts for my family. When I was a little bit older - around nine or ten - my sister and I would spend hours rehearsing interpretive dances to music such as Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons" and then give performances for our parents. A few years later, my friends and I staged several plays together. During high school, I've spent countless hours in class, rehearsal, and onstage in ballets. And throughout the years, I've never stopped singing. Seeing performances inspired me from an early age as well. When I was about six years old, my family was at a high school for a craft show, and my dad and I decided to take a walk around the hallways. In our wanderings, we came across a rehearsal of "The Miracle Worker" in the auditorium and watched for a while from the back. I can remember thinking, "Wow. That looks amazing. I am going to do that someday!" And of course there was that wonderful, magical two hours in the February of 2005 when a wide-eyed 11-year-old saw "Les Miserables", was awestruck to the point of completely losing her voice, and wrote in her journal that night, "I think I have found my calling." I've never forgotten that night, and I've never lost what it inspired. My love for the performing arts has waxed and waned over the years, but lately it's been growing stronger and stronger. There are so many things that I love about it.

♥

I love telling stories. That's why I also love writing, but writing is such a solitary pursuit. I could never stop writing, but when you tell a story through the performing arts, you're using your whole body to tell it directly to the audience. It has the potential to be so...powerful.

I love music. That's actually way too calm of a statement to accurately describe how I feel about it. Music is incredible. Nothing else holds such sway over the emotions, can so deeply inspire one to thoughts of beauty or thoughts of despair, can so subtly but effectively build one up or tear one down. And to feel like you are a part of beautiful music, to feel one with it, is one of the best feelings in the world.

One of the ways I feel this is through singing. All my life, I've been singing, and slowly but surely, my voice is becoming stronger and better. In the past few months it's actually become mine...not this voice that will sometimes do what I want it to but more often sounds pathetically weak, but a reliable instrument that I hope holds promise. I try! Here is an example of what I've achieved so far.

The other way I feel it most strongly is through dance. When you dance, you become the music visualized...it becomes a part of you and you become a part of it. And with this comes such a feeling of being alive.

That's another thing I love about the performing arts. Whether I'm dancing, or singing, or doing anything on stage, or just messing around the piano, I feel alive. It's such a hard thing to describe...that quickening of the pulse, that rush of adrenaline, that feeling that this is what you are meant to do, that electric current that connects you to the audience.

Ah, the audience! Audiences are seriously one of my favorite parts of performing. The knowledge that you are bringing joy to people, making them laugh and cry and thrill and feel, that you have given them a wonderful memory that will remain with them, that you have brought beauty into our torn and troubled world, makes me feel so happy and grateful and blessed. There is almost nothing in this world that makes me happier than hearing how much someone enjoyed a performance I was a part of.

And while we're on the topic of people, I absolutely love theater and music people. They are some of the nicest, most creative, most talented, most interesting, most alive people you are ever going to meet. And most of them love giving hugs! :)

I really think that musicians and dancers and actors and all other performers have a unique calling - to bring beauty and truth to the world. Beauty can be found in so many places and ways. Truth speaks directly to our souls. "This world is so full of ugliness, but all of you have brough so much joy and beauty to so many people in the past few days," the cast of POTO was told by a very wise man. It remembered me so much of a quote I've loved for years, ever since I read it in the book White Stallion of Lipizza by Marguerite Henry when I was about eight years old. Colonel Podhajsky was speaking of the Lippazaners and the Spanish Court Riding School, but his words could apply every bit as well to anyone who has dedicated their life to any of the arts. "Our Reitschule is a tiny candle in the big world. Our duty, our privilege is to keep it burning. Surely, if we can send out one beam of splendor, of glory, of elegance into this torn and troubled world...that would be worth a man's lifetime, no?" ♥

So yes. I believe that it is in the arts that my future lies. I'm not yet sure of the specifics, but I'm sure it will all be revealed in due time! In the past year, so many people have told me "Oh, you must stay in the arts!" after seeing me in various shows, and to them I would like to say thank you so, SO much. You've given me hope that I do indeed have a chance! :) However, this is of course means that my college plans have changed. Christendom is an absolutely wonderful place and I wish with all my heart that I had several lives to live so I could use one to fully immerse myself there, but as things stand now it probably does not lie in my future. I'm just not going to say anything definite about college at this point though, because at this point nothing is definite, and in any event I won't be going anywhere this coming fall. What will be happening in my life this coming fall still hasn't been decided absolutely for certain (I'd say I'm about 97% sure of what I'll be doing), but I want to wait a while before I reveal what exactly that is. :) And FYI: I changed up the sidebar a bit. All of the pictures now lead somewhere. :) EDIT: Whoohoo, this is so much fun! I'll definitely be adding more pictures...keep your eyes open...

Yearly Recap

Here it is, the start of the second week of 2011, and I still haven't done my traditional yearly re-cap post. It's time to commence and test my memory! (Or perhaps just look at last year's posts ;))

January: The main highlights were attending the Moscow Festival ballet's production of "Coppelia" and reading my essay at the pro-life rally. The latter was...interesting...because I had to stand on a tub from the kitchen to be tall enough next to the podium. o.O It was rather funny because the speaker noticed and commented on it in the beginning of his talk as one of the things that had made his day. I just about died of embarrasment, of course!

February: Lots of ballet, watching the Olympics, and thinking romantical, fantastical, sometimes nonsensical thoughts. Goodness, I've changed so much since then...

March: This month's highlight was most definitely our ballet of "Peter and the Wolf" and "The Ugly Duckling"! I danced the part of the Turkey, the Cat (my first solo role!), and a swan in UD, and was a Hunter in P&W. Being a hunter...oh, good times! That's got to be the most fun I ever had getting into a role!

April: I think that Holy Week was, as usual, the highlight of the month. The Tridentine Rite Holy Week services are so incredibly beautiful. The rest of the month, if I remember correctly, was mainly spent reading and doing schoolwork.

May: The Holy Hill bus trip! I love bus trips, I love visiting shrines, and I love May weather, so I always look forward to our church's annual pilgrimage to Holy Hill. May was an interesting month...I really did a lot of growing up, but it was the kind of growing up that's actually enjoyable.

June: I turned 17. I spent several days helping to clean the entire church in preparation for the Prior General's visit, and amazingly had a very good time and didn't go crazy! Cleaning is really not as bad as it's cracked up to be, though. I also played the Doctor in our performance of Hans Christian Andersen's story "The World's Most Beautiful Rose", and was reminded once again how much I love storytelling in any form.

July: I finally got a job! One of my friends was able to recommend me at the country club he works at, and I got a job bussing tables in the restaurant. So I began working my first real job from 4 to around 10 or 10:30 pm every Friday night. Oh, and that was also the month I found my first white hair!

August: The first week of August was spent at girls' camp. I was a leader for the first time, and, well, let's just say it was a good learning experience. I think I'll be much better prepared for this year, though! And towards the end of the month I reached another turning point in my maturity - fear ceased to be my ruling passion and I returned to my original, much more confident personality.

September: Wow, I didn't post at ALL that month. The main thing I remember is that we took lots and lots of dance (several hours every night...it was really fun before I got completely burned out ;)), and my grandpa and uncle visited for a weekend.

October: October was an exciting month! I found out that a theater group in town was doing Phantom of the Opera, I discovered my love for murder mysteries, and...I visited Christendom College!!! That was my first airplane trip that I remember, my longest trip away from home, and the first time I'd traveled by myself...and ohmygoodness, it was wonderful! I had such a good time and started very much looking forward to returning for an extended stay in August '11. :) Thankfully that actually translated to a renewed interest in my schoolwork, too!

November: I signed up for the ACT and began to feverishly (well, for the most part...) study for it, and rode on a Christendom high for most of the month. ;)

December: Snow...cold...Phantom of the Opera rehearsal...choir...schoolwork...dance... ... ...CHRISTMAS!!! I also experienced the disappointment of getting my ACT postponed, but as it turns out that was probably a good thing. I felt much more prepared when I actually took it.


So, that's what 2010 was for me! The main word I would use to describe it is "growth". I grew and changed so much that year. I have a feeling that this year's word is going to be "change", but, even though it scares me at odd moments, I am very much looking forward to it.

Snow

We finally have some snow! It snowed a lot just before Thanksgiving weekend, and Thanksgiving day and the friday after were both bright, beautiful, blue and white days. Being able to look out the window at work and see sunlight and snow and rolling hills and black branches etched against the blue, blue sky made working for 9 hours on Thanksgiving much more bearable! That, and the fact that I earned twice as much in tips as usual, not to mention I worked about 2 hours longer than I normally do - the specter of Christendom College always dances before my eyes, encouraging me!

For the first time ever, my mom, sister, and I went shopping on Black Friday. I actually had a lot of fun! Just two words of advice: 1. Don't go in a big city, if you can help it (in our town of 30,000, pretty much everyone we saw just looked like they were having fun...none of the crazed shoppers one always hears about...but I hear that in large cities in can be a bit different), and 2. 6: 30 am is just about the perfect time to go! It's early enough that you can have all the fun of getting up while it's still dark out (well, I find that fun, at least! ;)), it's well after the first mad rush, but it's not so late that people have started getting cranky. It was so weird to arrive at the mall at 6:30 am and find it as full as a busy Saturday afternoon! And everyone looked wide awake...that was the funny part! We didn't get anything terribly exciting, but the sales were excellent. When you're a poor student trying to save money for college, saving a few extra dollars is always a priority!

POTO (Phantom of the Opera) rehearsals started this week...my sister and I have been at one of the local high schools every evening from 4:00 to 5:00. It's not been terribly interesting so far, as we've only worked on blocking (which for me means lots of standing around!), but I can already tell it's going to be amazing. I'm really looking forward to starting to work on choreography next week! Oooh, and we also got scripts which we'll get to keep! I just highlighted and sticky-noted mine last night, and it already has copious notes...fun fun...official official! The scenes I'll be in in Act 1 are:
Scene 1: Rehearsal of Hannibal;
Scenes 2 and 3: After the Gala, Angel of Music, Through the Mirror (the ballet girls are in the background stretching, practicing, etc. the entire time);
Scene 5a: The Magic Lasso; and
Scene 7: Il Muto (one of the operas).
In Act 2, I'll be in Scene 1: Masquerade;
possibly Scenes 6 and 7: Don Juan (another of the operas);
and Scene 8: Track Down This Murderer (although I'll just be singing off-stage in that one).
I'm very happy with my part! It's fun because I'm actually a member of the opera company, and there will be tons of stage time!

Well, I really need to go study, write, and stop procrastinating! But before I go, I'll leave you with this beautiful song: Snow, by Loreena McKennitt. Nothing says "winter" to me more than this song.

The words are equally lovely and come from this poem, which is definitely one of my favorite pieces of poetry:

Snow

by Archibald Lampman

White are the far-off plains, and white

The fading forests grow;

The wind dies out along the height,

And denser still the snow,

A gathering weight on roof and tree

Falls down scarce audibly.

The road before me smooths and fills

Apace, and all about

The fences dwindle, and all the hills

Are blotted slowly out;

The naked trees loom spectrally

Into the dim white sky.

The meadows and far-sheeted streams

Lie still without a sound;

Like some soft minister of dreams

The snow fall hoods me round;

In wood and water, earth and air,

A silence everywhere.

Save when at lonely intervals

A farmer's sleigh, urged on,

With rustling runners and sharp bells

Swings by me and is gone;

Or from the empty waste I hear

A sound remote and clear;

The barking of a dog, or call

To cattle, sharply pealed,

Borne echoing from some wayside stall

Or barnyard far afield;

Then all is silent, and the snow

Falls, settling soft and slow.

The evening deepens, and the gray

Folds closer earth and sky;

The world seems shrouded far away,

Its noises sleep, and I,

As secret as yon buried stream

Plod dumbly on, and dream.

A painful post.

Perhaps some of you know this already, but I am incredibly klutzy. This comes as a surprise to some people who assume that since I dance I am naturally graceful at all times, but that, I am afraid, is not always the case! And it seems to be getting worse and worse as time goes on...

Case in point:

At swim class on Tuesday, I backstroked right into the wall and bashed my head against it, almost knocking myself out. At work on Friday, I ran into no less than three people while walking from one end of the resturant to the kitchen. And...drum roll please!...at dance on Saturday I was trying to do a jump I'd never attempted before. The first time I fell and caught myself painfully on my hand. I tried again and this time literally landed flat on my face, hitting my chin extremely hard.

"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to try that again!" I exclaimed, staggering to my feet a bit unsteadily.

"You're bleeding!" said my teacher.

"Really?" Sure enough, blood was dripping from my chin. "Wow...that's weird." She gave me an ice pack wrapped in a napkin and had me sit out for the rest of class. After class the other teacher looked at my chin and said that I should call my parents because it looked like it needed stitches.

Stitches? But all I'd done was fall on my face! Trust me to find a way to end up with stitches after that...

So my dad came and took me to the walk-in. The doctor told me I was going to need stitches or else end up with a possibility of infection and a gouged scar on my chin...that made me feel like a deflated balloon. Needles are my number one fear and stitches require a lot of them in all varieties! But I decided that it would be worth it to avoid the risk of infection, a bigger scar, and feeling like a wimp, and I went under the needle.

It wasn't sooo bad...I just concentrated on breathing very slowly and deeply (which also meant rather loudly, and I think was freaking out the doctor because he kept asking me if I was all right), and I only felt the first two shots. Dad said they gave me 5 or 6 - I'm so glad I didn't know that was how many I was getting beforehand! When I had lost all feeling in my chin he started sewing me up. It felt SO weird! I could feel the edges of my skin being pulled together...sorry, that's rather disgusting. He put in two little stitches and it seemed to take far too long, but at long last he was finished, and I sat up with many admonishments from the nurse to be careful because I'd be dizzy.

So yes, now I have a pretty wicked looking gash about an inch long with two black stitches on the underside of my chin. :P The stitches come out on Friday (yay! They itch terribly!), and I will have a scar - woohoo! I'm actually happy about that...I like scars. I had no idea you could actually get a gash from falling on a flat surface...ohhh, that's nasty when you think about it! Time to change the subject!

Let's see...I know! I'm getting all my oral surgery done in January - yay! Well, I'm actually totally dreading it, but it will be nice to get it over with, and it also means only a few months of braces after that! I'll be so very happy to have them gone. :D But before that happens I have to all four of my wisdom surgically removed, my one remaining baby tooth pulled, and the tooth that is coming in in the completely wrong place (namely, the roof of my mouth) dug out and have a bracket attached to it. *cringes* Not fun!!!

Wow, that wasn't much of a subject change, now was it? And I'm afraid the next thing I have to say is rather painful as well...

I'm taking the ACT on December 11! *tries not to nervously hyperventilate* I'm completely confident about the English and Reading sections (they actually look really easy), but the Science and Math sections...ohhhh dear. I haven't even learned a lot of it, so I'm planning to do a TON of studying between now and December! Tomorrow I will commence my intensive study schedule (which reminds me - I'd better write up my schedule tonight instead of tomorrow so I don't have it there undone in the morning, tempting me to procrastinate!). Please pray for me that I can stay on track and retain all this knowledge! Thanks SO much! :)

*re-reads post* Wow, this is rather dismal sounding! I hope I don't sound like I'm begging for sympathy...I'm not...these are just the most exciting things that have happened to me lately. lol

One last thing...could I please ask for your prayers for a very special intention? Thank you so much! You're all in my prayers!

*revives dead blog*

My blog has been rather dead-ish lately. I've actually been too busy to post on it, which is kinda nice for a change!

So, I have a few pieces of exciting news! One is that I'm auditioning for Phantom of the Opera next month!!!!!!!!!!!! :D There's a theater group in my town that does a really big musical every two years with students from all the area highschools. Their productions are always spectacular...it was their Les Miserables that was the first musical I ever saw (I was 11). I was literally struck speechless for about 10 minutes after it ended (I really couldn't talk, it was the oddest thing!), and ever since that night I've wanted to be on stage!

So I was eagerly watching for news of what this year's production would be (the other two were Cats and Peter Pan), and I was absolutely freaking estatic when I found out they're doing Phantom, one of my favorite musicals!!! They held three workshops a couple of weeks ago, two of which I attended, and after them I was even more excited than I had been before! The director told us a bit about what the production would be like, and it's going to be INCREDIBLE. This group always does a mind-blowingly professional job, and they have a $70,000 budget for it! She showed us the set designs, which look amazing (they're actually covering the entire archway over the stage to make it look like the Paris Opera House, and the niches for the statues will be the box seats!), and then we learned the music and choreography for "Masquerade". It was SO much fun! It was amazing to hear the melody come together, and the choreography is simply awesome.

So I'm suuuuppppeeeer excited for the auditions! I'm singing "Stranger in Paradise" from the musical Kismet for my song, and reading Galadriel's speech from the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring for my monologue. I'm also doing some pointework, since I'll be auditioning for the ballet corps, the ensemble, and Meg! I would love to be Meg, and several people have told me they think I'd play her really well, so perhaps the directors will agree! :)

Some more exciting news is that I'm visiting Christendom College in the near future! :D I'll have to be sure and post about it!

And...I'm doing National Novel Writing Month (commonly known as NaNoWriMo) this year! It's a challenge to write a 50,000 word (about 175 pages) novel in one month. It's other name is insanity, of course. ;) But I thought I'd give it a try, even though I doubt I'll make it to 50,000 words! Stranger things have happened, though. If you're doing it, feel free to add me as a buddy on the website! My user name is _Tinuviel_ (and by clicking on that link you can read the synopsis of my story...for some reason Blogger isn't letting me paste. :P).

I feel like totally re-vamping my blog. Well, maybe not totally, but somewhat. I've changed a lot lately (I'm not nearly as shy and fearful anymore!), and I just feel like this blog needs an overhaul. I'll see what I can do... Oh, and another weird thing that has been changing is how light my hair is getting! When I was born it was black, by the time I was about 6 it had faded to really dark brown, and then it's just been progressively getting lighter and lighter, especially in the last few months. It's definitely light brown now! Strange.

One last thing. I've discovered two new favorite authors - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie! Now that I'm finally no longer a constant nervous wreck I'm really enjoying mysteries. I think it's hereditary...my mom and sister both devour them too! I'm also reading more of Sir ACD's Professor Challenger books...I love them! They're science-fiction and sometimes hilarious and fascinating and really good.

Of movies and fearlessness.

We have been watching SO many good movies lately! They are...

Bright Star - This was one of the most beautiful, romantic, and sad movies I've ever seen. It tells the story of the short-lived but amazingly intense relationship between the poet John Keats and Fanny Brawne. Bright Star was wonderfully acted, the music was unique and beautiful (I especially loved the wordless choral singing), and the cinematography was jaw-droppingly, breathtakingly gorgeous. It also made me want to read more of Keat's poetry! Some of my favorite lines were:

"Was it a vision, or a waking dream? Fled is that music: do I wake or sleep?"

"There is a holiness to the heart's affections."

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Its loveliness increases. It will never pass into nothingness."

"Bright star, would that I were as steadfast as thou art."

Another aspect I really loved was how Fanny's family was so present, and they were all obviously so happy and loved each other very much. It seems like you just don't see that in very many movies, even period dramas. It also added a really nice note of groundedness to what could have been a very sentimental movie (but wasn't at all, for reasons in addition to that!).

I had a lot of fun making graphics from this movie, too. With such beautiful imagery and quotes, how could it be anything but a joy? If you like to see a slideshow from them, click here!


Alice in Wonderland - Finally, finally, finally, we saw it, and just as we expected, we (we meaning my mom, sister, and I...not the royal we...or "We are Bates, sir," (if you've watched Top Hat - and if you haven't, you should! - you'll get it) ) loved it! It was so wonderfully Tim Burton-y (in other words, weird and hilarious and creepy and interesting and awesome), I absolutely loved the music (I'm adding the theme song to my playlist on here as soon as I get a chance), and I loved Alice's clothes! Steampunk, I've decided, is my new favorite style. *swoons* I especially loved the dress she wore at the beginning, the dress the Hatter made (which I can't find a picture of...), the dress the Red Queen had made, and the coat she wore at the end.

Some people have taken issue with supposed "feminist undertones" in Alice - I myself didn't see them at all. There was the incident of Alice refusing to wear a corset. Smart girl! Corsets were absolutely horrible for your health, and just because everyone is wearing something doesn't mean you have to also. It really can be taken as a good message. Then there was the fact that Alice slayed the Jabberwocky. So what? Eowyn slew the Witch King. Girls don't always have to always conform to someone's ideal of what they should act like. Look at St. Joan of Arc - she certainly was no damsel in distress. Everyone is different...everyone's calling is different. And besides, in this case it is a story about a fantasical land where anything can happen and usually does. ;) And finally, people have taken issue with the way the movie ends - Alice becomes an apprentice with a trading company. Oh well...that's what she wants to do, and she's motivated in a large part by love and admiration for her deceased father - it seems to me that she wants to carry on his legacy. Also, if you've read the book, you'll remember that Alice is a very curious, contrary, strong-minded sort of girl. I thought the movie captured her personality very well.

But, anyways, back to the movie!

The Cheshire Cat was so awesome and cat-like! Definitely my favorite character after... [fan girl warning] THE HATTER!!!!!!!!!! Johnny Depp is an incredible man, the way he can be completely endearing even with an orange bozo wig and garish makeup and fake gooseberry green eyes. :D [/end fan girl warning] The Bandersnatch was also rather creepily adorable after it came over to Alice's side.

I also loved the way the movie started. I have a thing about the opening scenes of movies...if they're extremely awesome, the movie goes way up in my estimation! And this one was wonderful (Tim Burton's usually are)...the theme playing dramatically to the backdrop of a full moon overlooking a stylized London, with the title in its awesome font flying towards you through the sky. Danny Elfman was the composer, so, therefore, all the music was completely epic!

And, finally, another thing I really liked was how elements of both Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass were woven in. I've loved both of those books since I was about 4 years old, and it was so much fun to see them come to life! The books are rather (extremely) odd themselves, so Tim Burton was the perfect person to make them into a movie, in my opinion!



Sherlock Holmes - As the credits (amazingly epic credits, I might add, with scenes from the movie suddenly turning into sketches) began to roll as we finished watching this movie last night, these were the first words from my lips:

"That. was. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!"

That about sums it up!

I've always been a big Sherlock Holmes fan (and fan girl, I must admit...I developed quite a crush on him, and that certainly hasn't changed after seeing this new incarnation!), ever since watching the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce movies for the first time when I was about 11. Those were great, but this...this was awesome!

First of all, I loved the whole atmosphere. It was very underworld of London, steampunk-y, slightly seedy, and reminded me a lot of The Ruby in the Smoke (one of my favorite books, and unfortunately the only good book ever written by Philip Pullman, IMO). Then there was the villain Lord Blackwood, and all the fighting, and the creepy "black magic", and Irene's mysterious employer, which all kept it exciting. Then there was Irene herself, who I thought was really cool. I liked the way she was sort of mysterious and obviously had her own life...it was a nice departure from the usual sidekick. Then there was the humor - Holmes and Watson were absolutely hysterical together!

Watson: "Get that thing out of my face."

Holmes: "It's not in your face, it's in my hand."

Watson: "Then get that thing in your hand out of my face!"

and,

Watson: *enters the room where Holmes is practicing shooting and in the process freaking out the landlady*: "Permission to enter the armory, sir.

And then there was the music! Oh my goodness, Hans Zimmer outdid himself on this soundtrack...it was one of the best I've ever heard! It even made Irish music with annoying singing sound cool! It was epic, there's no other word for it.

The one jarring note...what was up with Mary's hair? Correct me if I'm wrong, but women didn't have big heavy bangs like that back then, did they? I really liked her character, but every time she showed up I winced...the hair just looked totally out of place!

But aside from that I enjoyed every minute of it, and I cannot wait for Sherlock Holmes 2!!!


* * *

I've finally been getting a grip on my fear lately. Fear was my ruling passion for years...I was afraid of the dark, afraid of reading scary books or watching scary movies, afraid of talking to people, afriad of what people were thinking of me, afraid to state my own opinion, afraid to make jokes, even afraid of the sound of my own voice. It's a pretty awful way to be.

But I've been realizing that life is far too short to be afraid to live. It sounds cliche, but it's so true. Fear of what people will think of you or what might happen or that you'll look like an idiot can't stop you from living. You are who God created you to be, and you shouldn't be ashamed of that, or afraid people will hate it. And besides, assuming that people dislike you isn't a very charitable thing to think about them! ;)

Fear kept me from being honest with people. I was afraid they'd mock me, or think badly of me, or pick a fight, or simply think I was weird. I'm just not afraid of that anymore. Really, people generally aren't that bad, and even if they are, oh well. Who cares? Does their opinion really matter in the grand scheme of things? Nope. Fear also kept me from being honest with my friends in that I was afraid to talk to them and afraid to show them that I care about them. And it kept people from seeing the honest-to-goodness real me. I've been noticing lately that the image people seem to have of me is often very different from what I truly am. And as I thought about it, I found that I can think of plenty of instances in which the way I act is not quite in line with what I'm thinking. I'm not calling myself a hypocrite...I hope I'm not...I just tend to suppress the real me for, what I realized, is absolutely no good reason at all.

I read this post by Melody on her wonderful blog Vividry a few days ago, and wow, I couldn't believe how perfectly she described just what I, too, am going through right now! And now I have an excellent mantra. Just do it. Thank you, Melody! :)

Feeling fearless (and, if not completely fearless, at least like you have a grip on your fear and it isn't controlling you) is an exhilarating feeling. I'm starting to realize that I'm at the beginning of my life. Exciting things are just around the bend, and anything can happen.

Catch-up.

Wow...was I ever surprised to look at my dashboard and see that I haven't posted anything since July 22! So I shall remedy that...I have a ton to get caught up on.

Firstly, to continue with the subject of my last post, my job is going very well! I've been working there for a month now (only once a week, to be sure), and I got my first pay check a week ago last Friday - $111! In case you're unsure what a busser does and you'd like to know, I'll enlighten you. We're those lowly creatures dressed all in black who race around setting tables, clearing tables, offering the customers water, bringing the waitresses baskets of bread for their tables and other things they may have forgotten such as steak knives, polishing the silverware, carrying huge tubs of dirty dishes into the kitchen and emptying them at the dishwasher, filling pitchers of water, and, when all the customers are gone (which is sometimes as much as an hour after the restaurant closes at 9 pm) we move all the chairs out of the rooms, vacuum the floors, and reset all the tables. I'm really finding it to be a very enjoyable job, though, and I actually prefer the busier nights...less feeling awkward about getting paid for just standing around and talking to your friends. haha

Secondly, I'll talk about camp. It was...interesting! I was a team captain for the first time ever, and as that meant going way out of my comfort zone and staying there for five days, it was pretty stressful. But I had a good time, especially during the Olympics! For some reason, my favorite game was a relay in which we had to run to a table, solve a math equation, and then run back to our team, tagging the person so they could do the same. It was very fun in an odd sort of way.

But for the most part, this summer has been rather boring. I guess the excitement and fun of last summer (Milwaukee, a French girl staying with us, lots of parties) had to last for two years. :P Oh well...

Oh, and from computer land I have good news and bad news! The good news - a friend of ours didn't want her computer anymore, so she gave it to us! It's a flat screen, only about two years old, and runs sooo fast...ah, it's heavenly! Our other computer was so slow it was almost unusable. But the bad news is...the sound doesn't work! :( I'm dying...most of the music I would listen to was on YouTube or my blog playlist. :P And now I'm lost in a silent world...sad, sad, sad. Hopefully we can get it fixed soon!

I've been feeling extremely restless lately. I'm definitely looking forward to fall and winter, because I'm just getting very tired of the lazy days of summer. This fall I'll be taking voice lessons at the music conservatory, auditioning for their choir, taking some ballet, taking Spanish and catechism at church, and hopefully I'll be in a musical!

So, I'm sorry I haven't posted in forever! This was probably a pretty boring post, but...at least you all know I'm still alive! ;)

100th Post!

We watched Eight Below last night. Amendment: my mom and sister watched Eight Below - I ended up running out of the room screaming! Here's a brief synopsis of the movie, in case you've never heard of it: Jerry is a guide in Antarctica, and provides transportation for scientists with the aid of his beloved dogsled team. On one journey, the scientist he is assisting breaks his leg, Jerry gets frostbitten fingers, and after getting back to the station in the nick of time before a huge storm hits, they have to be airlifted to the hospital. And sadly, there is no room on the plane for the dogs. After plans to return immediately to get them fall through due to the awful weather, Jerry is forced to return to the U.S, tortured by the thought that he left his dogs to die. It turns out fairly well, with Jerry being reunited with 6 of his dogs months later.

However, in one part one of the dogs is eating an orca carcass (naaasty looking), when suddenly a huge, hideous, nightmarish-looking leopard seal comes bursting out of it! I screamed bloody murder! Thinking about it still gives me the creeps, in fact. :P I stuck around, slightly petrified by the seal (if you don't know what they look like, here is a picture. *shudders* And they're huge), until the seal, which had vanished back under the ice, suddenly popped out of a hole and grabbed one of the dogs by the leg! That was when I leapt off the couch, bolted upstairs, and started reading C.S Lewis. :P Good comfort for a troubled mind.

But before I tell you how, thanks to Mere Christianity, a question that had been troubling me has been answered, I'll remark that I really dislike movies like Eight Below and March of the Penguins. It's not that I find that morally problematic...I just find them terribly depressing. I guess it's because it just seems so hopeless, since even when things are at their worst for humans, they still have reason and can at least try to find a way out. And even if they do die in the end, if they were a good person you know they're going to a better place, but when animals die, that's that. They're guided entirely by instinct, they don't understand what's happening to them, and all in all it makes for a depressing experience.


Anyways...on to brighter topics!

For months, I've been struggling with the question of why God gave us free will. The answer I was always given was, "Because we cannot love without being free, and He wanted us to be able to love Him." To me this always just seemed terribly selfish, so I figured I must be missing something. I was, and it was all made clear in Chapter Three of Book Two of Mere Christianity.

"Some people think they can imagine a creature which was free but had no possibility of going wrong; I cannot imagine such a thing. If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata - of creatures that worked like machines - would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in an ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that they must be free.

"Of course God knew what would happen if they used their freedom the wrong way: apparently He thought it worth the risk. Perhaps we feel inclined to disagree with Him. But there is a difficulty about disagreeing with God. He is the source from which all your reasoning power comes: you could not be right and He wrong any more than a stream can rise higher than its own source. When you are arguing against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all: it is like cutting off the branch you are sitting on. If God thinks this state of war in the universe a price worth paying for free will - that is, for making a live world in which creatures can do real good or harm and something of real importance can happen, instead of a toy world which only moves when He pulls the strings - then we may take it it is worth paying." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

You would not believe how grateful I was when I read that. For months, I'd been tortured with doubts about free will. It seemed selfish and unnecessarily cruel of God to give us our free wills simply that we may love Him when it was so terribly easy for us to go astray. But after reading that, I realized, among other things, that God does not need us. He doesn't need our love, so why would He create a bunch of automatons simply to love Him? It would be absurd. But He loves us, and He loves us so intensely that He wants us to share in His love. And as C.S. Lewis pointed out, He knew there would be great risks in giving us free will, and He knew it was worth the risk.

With that thought in mind, isn't it awe-inspiring to imagine what the Beatific Vision must be?


Well, back to more earthly topics. I have joined that venerable company of people who have...found their first gray hair! :^O Except in my case, it skipped gray and went directly to white. :P My mom and I were taking a walk and as I ran my fingers through my hair, I glanced down and noticed one of the strands looked very pale.

"It must just be blonde," I thought, since I have a few hairs that are very light blonde amidst the majority of brown. But it looked awfully pale...I looked closer...

"Mum," I said, "I just found a white hair!"

She looked at it and confirmed that yes, indeed, I have a white hair! It's sooo weird... I hope it stops right there for...um...at least 20 more years?


So here it is, folks - my 100th post! I can't believe I've actually written that much on here. I've officially been on Blogger since February 2009, but I didn't actively start blogging until June of last year...just a little over a year ago. I'd wanted a blog for months, but I just couldn't think of anything to write about. Suddenly, however, I started thinking of things, and I haven't stopped since!

And I am so, so, SO thrilled to have 43 followers! It is so wonderful and encouraging to know that there are people out there who enjoy my writing. Thank you SO much! You're all so very much appreciated, and I keep you in my prayers. Every time I get a new follower, I shriek happily, "Yay! I have another follower!"

So, since it seems like people often have some sort of celebratory thing when they reach a significant number of posts or followers or years on Blogger, I thought I'd borrow Melody's idea. You can ask me any question you'd like (within reason, naturally. heehee), and I will answer them all in a post next Saturday! Yay...you get to know more about me...exciting. Sarcasm there. ;) But I really enjoyed reading Melody's post, and I figure, we all like learning more about our friends, be it IRL or in the blogosphere. So...ask away, me hearties! Yo ho!

Summer Days...

Today was one of the greatly anticipated days of summer...the church picnic!

I really love the picnic - I have ever since the first one we attended, and that was 6 years ago! I love spending time with my friends and being outside and playing sports/games and eating picnic food and listening to people play their musical instruments. Today, I ended up playing tennis, badminton (I was so surprised when I realized that it's spelled badminton), volleyball, a game reminiscent of monkey in the middle, jump rope, frisbee, soccer, tug of war, and kickball.

The tennis balls went flying crazily all over the park; I'm terrible at badminton; it was a semi-lame game of volleyball in which everyone kept switching sides whenever they wished ;); the monkey-in-the-middle-ish game took a very long time because of how we are all very good at throwing, catching, and confusing people :D; jump rope was actually quite fun, and I have retained my skillz; the frisbee ended up on the roof of a little concrete utility shed, and I was able to hoist myself up on it with my own two arms...I felt veddy strong! ;) (I'm terrible at frisbee too, though...one of my friends told me to throw it harder and pretend I was trying to take off his head. lol); one of my friends and I were going to play a one-on-one game of soccer, rushed at the ball, collided, and didn't even touch the ball...it was hilarious :D; we all got our fingers hurted playing tug of war; and our ball was commandeered halfway through the very confusing game of kickball. But despite all that, I think I can safely say everyone had a wonderful time! We know how to have fun. :)

Oh, and I did all of the above in a skirt, with no problems whatsoever! :)

I realized today that I'm really not terribly good at most sports, (I might just need more practice, though). I love playing them, however! Everyone has always told me that I'm very competitive, and I guess I'm realizing that I am. *smiles sheepishly* But that's not a bad thing at all, in my opinion. It's kinda funny that the truth eluded me for so long, however, seeing as every time I'm running with someone it turns into a die-hard race (for my part, at least).

Oh, and while I'm talking about sport-like things, I'll make the announcement that I now know how to swim! :D :D :D We decided to brave the public pool one evening after noticing that it's really not that busy and ran into some friends from church, Mrs. W and her two daughters. Mrs. W was able to teach me how to swim! I can now do the breaststroke and the crawl. It's sooo much fun...I can't wait for swimming lessons in the fall! I just wish water didn't have to be chlorinated, since it aggravates my asthma. :P

We watched The Return of the King last night. I looooooooovvvvvvvvvveeeeee that movie...as I'm sure you all know. :) After last night's viewing, I noticed two things (I always notice new things): I like the secondary characters (such as Eomer and Theoden) a lot more than I used to, and this time I felt such an incredible feeling of relief when the Ring was destroyed! I guess it just really hit me...wow...it's gone. They accomplished what they set out to do, and the world has been saved. What an incredible feeling of disbelief, wonder, and awe would fill your heart after accomplishing something like that! This time around, I also really noticed how hard Frodo fought to destroy the Ring. It was killing him, but he pressed on untiringly. He's always been my favorite character.

So, these are a few of my favorite moments from my favorite movie ever: Arwen seeing the vision of her son (it's such a beautiful message of what a gift life and a mother's love is, and always makes me cry); the moment when Eowyn says, "I am no man!" and kills the Nazgul ( my mom and I agree that that is the coolest part of the entire trilogy!); Galadriel helping Frodo press on in Shelob's Lair; Theoden's speech before the Battle of the Pelennor Fields when he hits his sword against the spears; Aragorn's speech to the Men of the West before the Black Gate (both of those parts give me chills!); and the entire end.

*sighs* The Lord of the Rings is just one-of-a-kind.

On a different note, this is my 99th post! :O :D I feel like I should do something special for it, but I've no idea what. :P Any ideas? :)

I am thinking of redesigning my blog, however...even though that makes me so nervous! I don't know...I don't like change. But I am getting a wee bit tired of this layout, so I think I will.

Distant Dreamer

I was listening to one of my mixed CDs that I haven't listened to in a while, and came across this song - "Distant Dreamer", by Duffy. I realized that this is definitely my theme song! :D It describes me and my general outlook on life extremely well.



So anyways...

Life has been going pretty normally. Therefore, I can't think of anything to post. :P Well, here's one thing! I have many teeth issues (hence my oh-so-lovely braces...), and there was a good chance I'd need oral surgery to correct the placement of one of them if it didn't come in on its own. But the good news is...it started coming in today! The only bad thing is that it's coming in through the roof of my mouth - rather unpleasant. But I'm SO relieved that I won't need the oral surgery! Now all that needs to be done is for it to come in all the way and the orthodontist will attach a bracket to it and wire it to the rest of my braces.

I sincerely hope that wasn't Too Much Information for anyone! :/ *smiles hopefully*

Bread and Movie Trivia!

It has been so unseasonably cold here! When I got up at 7 am, it was only 50 degrees Fahrenheit out. Brrr! It's 66 right now, which is still pretty cold for the last day of June. o.O

I felt like baking, so I made not one, but two loaves of bread. The banana bread had to bake for an hour, so I decided to just bake a loaf of oat bread as well, since it bakes for only 15 minutes. The house smells sooo good right now!

I also cleaned parts of the house, and I think I've figured out why cleaning can be so therapeutic. You can feel like this, at least, is something you're in control of. And often thoughts will start spinning out of control, but when you clean, you can actually see something become orderly.

And now for the Movie Trivia Game!

I thought it would be fun. Some of my friends have done it on Facebook and I've seen it on a few other blogs lately, so I thought I'd give it a try!

Here are the rules:

1. Pick 20 of your favorite movies.

2. Go to IMDB.com and find a quote from each movie.

3. Post them for everyone to guess.

4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.

5. NO cheating.

I'll give you until next Wednesday to guess. :)


1. Character #1: - "Look at me. What did you see?"
Character #2: - "A tree. There was a white tree in a courtyard of stone. It was dead. The city was burning." Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, guessed by Christina and Vicki

2. Character #1 - "If I can't win, I won't run!"
Character #2 - "If you don't run, you can't win." Chariots of Fire, guessed by AutumnRose

3. Character #1: - "Reckon I'll leave my brains at home, then." North and South, guessed by Jessica

4. Character #1 - "I'm sorry I said anything about it now. I'll try to find a more agreeable piece of news."
[pause]
Character #1: "Old Marjorie at the lodge is dead." Wives and Daughters, guessed by Jessica

5. Character #1 - "The fact that you rescued me, unnecessarily, hardly wipes out past wrongs." Anne of Green Gables, guessed by Vicki

6. Character #1 - "Some day it'll just end. Everyone will go home, get on with their lives. Tall grass will cover the battlefields. And all the pilots we've lost won't mean a d--n thing." Flyboys

7. Character #1 - "I was so tall."
Character #2 - "Well, you were older then."
Character #3 - "As opposed to hundreds of years later, when you're younger." Prince Caspian, guessed by Jessica

8. Character #1 - "A bird may love a fish, signore, but where will they live?"
Character #2 - "Then I shall have to make you wings." Ever After, guessed by Jessica

9. Character #1 - [holding Character #2's cat] She's so soft. And she's vibrating.
Character #2 - She's purring, David. I Am David

10. Character #1 - "No one of our age has ever taken power."
Character #2 - "Which is why we're too young to realize certain things are impossible. Which is why we will do them anyway." Amazing Grace, guessed by Christina and Vicki

11. Character #1 - "Monsieur! You are now addressing the second most celebrated balloonist in Europe."
Character #1 - "And who is the first?"
Character #1 - "He is not available. He was, uh, buried last Tuesday." Around the World in Eighty Days, guessed by RoseinFaith

12. Character #1 - "Oh, er, do you mind if I ask you a question, frankly? Do you love my daughter?"
Character #2 - "Any guy that'd fall in love with your daughter ought to have his head examined."
Character #1 - "Now that's an evasion!" It Happened One Night, guessed by RoseinFaith

13. Character #1 - "How many have I had?"
Character #2 - "Two."
Character #1 - "Make it an uneven three." The Sound of Music, guessed by Jessica and Vicki

14. Character #1 - "Never again will I allow WOMEN to wear my dresses! " Top Hat

15. Character #1 - "That's it. Out you two pixies go - through the door, or out the window. " It's a Wonderful Life, guessed by Vicki

16. Character #1 - [exits study, finds four of his daughters eavesdropping] "Good heavens. People." Pride and Prejudice (2005), guessed by Christina and Vicki

17. Character #1 - "I've been sitting right here since seven o'clock."
Character #2 - "Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay." A Night at the Opera

18. Character #1 - "She saves me from an inferno and she's glad she happened to be awake." Jane Eyre, guessed by Audrey

19. Character #1 - "I'm fighting for something that's real for the first time in my life! " Step Up

20. Character #1 - "I feel as though someone's handed me the moon... and I don't exactly know what to do with it." Anne of Green Gables: The Sequel, guessed by Vicki

One of those days...

It's one of those days...one of those days when you just feel sort of out of it...and depressed...and like doing something interesting...but there's nothing to do. :P I think I'm feeling people deprived - I wasn't able to talk to any of my friends after Mass today! So I will try and cheer myself up by writing a long, random, rambly post. ;)

I think I have finally figured out what my temperament (for more on the temperaments, here's an article I wrote on them) is! At various times in my life, I've thought I was choleric, melancholic, or sanguine (but never phlegmatic). I now think I'm melancholic-choleric, because of my mix of introversion and extroversion, and, well, I think I have a lot of traits from both temperaments. *sighs contentedly* For some reason it's so nice to know these things! I also found out that my Myers-Briggs personality is INFP (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceptive), and the descriptions I've read sound very much like me.

* * *

I read (actually re-read) a very good book yesterday - The Borrowed House, by Hilda van Stockum. The first time I read it, I was about the age of the main character - 12 - and, like her, many things just went over my head. But with this reading, I was able to really appreciate what a wonderful book it is. It's set during WWII, but from an angle that is seldom heard from - 12-year-old Janna is a member of Hitler's Youth, and believes fervently everything they indoctrinate her in. After she is sent to live with her actor parents in Amsterdam, however, things begin to change. She sees more clearly what the Nazis are doing, and the foundations of her world begin to tilt. I sort of fell in love with this book...I remember loving it when I was 12, too, but I think I love it even more now. It truly paints a vivid picture of what things were like during WWII, and brought tears to my eyes by the second chapter. And **SPOILER** I just know that Janna and Sef will find one another when the war is over! I wish there was a sequel. :) **END SPOILER** Hilda van Stockum is such a talented writer and portrays her characters so sympathetically and well that you feel their pain and suffering as though you were suffering it yourself. Much as I love this book, I find books about WWII to be so disturbing...it happened not so very long ago, and it could happen again. God grant that it won't.

* * *

I just experienced a really cool weather phenomenon! It started raining about 15 minutes ago, but before long I saw the sun shining through the window. It was still raining, however, and it looked so beautiful that I just had to go outside. As I stood in the sunlight in the front yard, raining pouring on my head, I could see the sky was blue on one side of the house and full of gray clouds on the other. As the clouds moved over my head the rain lightened up and eventually stopped, but when I ran over to the sidewalk it was still raining! It was so strange, but really cool.

* * *

And with that, I shall leave you. Today wasn't the greatest, but I know it won't stay like this. Ohhh! I forgot to mention - we watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory the other night, and I must admit I loved it! :) It's so crazy...and weird...and hilarious ("Even I am edible, but that is called cannibalism. And cannibalism, my dear children, is something that is frowned upon in most decent societies.")...and Johnny Depp is my favorite actor, I've decided. My family has also been having far too much fun watching the Marx Brothers lately...our favorites so far are A Night at the Opera and Room Service. :D

A lovely day.

Today was a marvelously beautiful day (and still is)! It started out with fog, which was absolutely breathtaking as it blanketed the alley. An infusion of sunlight turned it to the softest sort of gold. We walked to Mass (about a mile through a residential area of our town) through the mist and gray, so it was rather a surprise to find it completely sunny and clear when Mass was over! But it was that sort of brightness and blueness you only see on very hot, humid days, when it looks like there's a piece of gauze stretched across the sky.

But geez...it's true, no good deed goes unpunished! heehee My mom, sister, and I were taking a walk around church (long story, but we had some time to kill after Mass). We passed the antique store that's on the corner, and noticed a sad sight. There was a big pot of petunias completely upended and smashed on the grass! The stand they had been on had blown part way over and they had fallen to their doom. :( :P So I went and tried to pick them up, but the stand fell over on me and hit me on the bridge of my nose! It hurt rather badly, and almost knocked me out...probably would have if it had fallen on my head, as it was very heavy! I was slightly dazed for a moment, and then asked my mom, "Is my nose broken?" She assured me it wasn't, and now I just have a bruise there that basically looks like a huge freckle. Ya just can't win...haha.

I also learned the joys of playing Solitaire on my laptop from my sister. It really is very fun, and way too addicting! She won two games and I won one (with her help, I must admit!). I also took some pictures...the timer setting is so much fun! Here are a few of them.



You can see where the evil plant stand attacked me. haha

I also had a prayer answered, so thank you very, very much, God! :) I knew that all would be well.

Of storytelling.

I mentioned in my last post that I absolutely love performing because of the storytelling, but as I wrote it, I was thinking, "I know that I love telling stories...but for the life of me, I can't put my finger on what exactly it is about it that is just so beautiful!" And then I received a lovely comment from Addie, part of which said: "YES!!! I'm soo glad you made that point about telling stories-that's why I love acting! We're mirroring God's creative act by telling stories-it's absolutely beautiful. :) :) :)"

And in that moment, it clicked! That is the reason I love storytelling in all its forms! It mirrors God's creativity, as Addie so succinctly pointed out. He is the Supreme Storyteller, Who is writing each of our stories, Who is the Author of all the best stories the world has ever known, and Who has given us the wonderful privilege of participating in this beautiful work. I am so, so grateful that He gave me, and so many others, this incredible gift. Storytelling, be it through writing, acting, dancing, singing, or anything else, has a power to communicate a desire for the good and noble and true, glimpses of beauty (and therefore, God), the knowledge that we are made for something more, like almost nothing else. And of course, since it is such a powerful medium, we have to be careful to guard it and use it only for good. It can do so much harm in the wrong hands.

This whole train of thought reminded me of a scene from a fantasy story I started writing a few years ago. I haven't worked on it in months, but I plan to soon. It's spoken by Duma, who is one of the Drooka, a people from the land of Druckacorn (which, by the way, is a name I invented when I was about 5 and just had to put in a story!) who are very small in stature and were given the gift of music and storytelling.

“Night was closing in on Milovia. It is still closing upon her. There have been dark days, but I can see even darker ones ahead. It is so easy to lose faith, to forget why we are fighting, to completely miss the point. That is why the Great One Who is Above All told Flight to give the gift of storytelling to the Drooka. Without the stories, the wonderful times of peace would have been forgotten. They would be lost forever. No one would remember them - no one would care. But they have been remembered, and will continue being remembered and told and re-told until the last of the Drooka perish. Those times cannot be forgotten. They can’t be lost! That is why you are fighting, Epono, son of a long line of High Kings of Milovia. That is why you have been called here, Henry, son of another world. This light that has been kept alive by the old stories must be kept alive by you as well. It must never be allowed to go out. Milovia as it once was shall return. But the future lies in your hands. You have a great and noble task. Carry it out faithfully and well. We cannot let evil conquer all worlds for all time. It cannot! It shall not. The time of peace shall return to our world, and in time it shall return to every world and solar system and star, everywhere in the great universe of Him Who Is Above All. It will call for such very great sacrifice, but it will be worth it.”

The last dance...and a new start.

So, yes. The recital on Sunday was my last ballet performance. It's bittersweet...I'm definitely ready to move on, but at the same it's very hard, since it's been such a huge part of my life for three and a half years now. And when you dance, it really becomes a part of your identity...it's going to be such a change to not be "Ivy who does ballet" anymore.

But, it had to be done. It was getting way too expensive (especially since my sister is in it too), it took a lot of time (I was busy almost every night of the week, and most of the weekend as well), I just wasn't enjoying it as much as I used to, it was getting very stressful and I'll have enough stress soon as it is (more on that in a bit!), and it was getting hard because of my physical issues (asthma, and tendinitis in my ankle and knee). I guess this is another growing-up experience...prioritizing. I'm so thankful that God has let me see that ballet would just be a hindrance to what I really want and need to do, and He even helped to not love it as much as I used to! In the past, I knew I should probably give up ballet, but I felt like I just couldn't. Now, though, even though it makes me sad, I know with my mind that I should give it up, and I'm at peace with that.

Something that I've realized in the past few weeks, however, is that it's not so much dancing that I love, but performing. I love being in front of an audience, telling a story, and it doesn't really matter if it's through speaking, singing, or dancing. Telling a story is the part that really matters, and I guess it's an intrinsic part of my personality, seeing as my main passion is writing. That really hit me when we were performing the skit at the reception for Msgr. Wach a week ago. About halfway through one of my very long lines, I realized, "I love doing this! And I'm getting almost as excited about this, a short little skit that's not even on a stage, as I do about ballet performances!" That was when it really hit me that the part I love about performing is telling the story, and that realization was strengthened when I noticed I wasn't particularly excited about the recital, mainly because the dances were just simply dancing. They weren't trying to communicate anything other than looking nice.

So, I'm not entirely disconsolate. I know that there will be other stages, other places for me to share a story with the world. The main things I'll miss about ballet are doing grand jetes (they are my specialty!), turns across the floor, especially pique turns (they used to be my nemesis, but I finally caught on and began to adore them, especially on pointe), and doing pique arabesque (which is just fun). I'll miss being on pointe...I always loved it, even when it just about killed my feet. And I'll always be sad I never did learn how to do fouette turns! I can sort of do them on pointe, but I never did get very good.

However, I won't miss the pain, the sweat, and the smell of sweat-logged ballet shoes. haha

So that was one of the "announcements". The other one is that I am definitely going to apply at Christendom College this fall! After a lot of thought, research, and prayer, my parents and I both agree that Christendom seems like it would be a great fit for me, and I really think that is where God wants me after high school. However, that's also where the added stress will come in! Three little letters... S. A. T. *dies* Now, the English section looks absolutely mindlessly easy and even fun, but the MATH?!? Oh my goodness...that's what I'll be doing much of the rest of the summer. We do know someone, though, who might be able to tutor me, which would be a lifesaver.

This summer looks like it's going to be pretty quiet...not much planned aside from working on math and going to girls' camp in early August, but that could change in the twinkling of a eye, and probably will. ;) But that's fine with me. In the fall, I'll really get cracking on my schoolbooks, and take six weeks of swimming lessons. I'm also thinking about taking tap. It's a dance form that I've always thought looked like a ton of fun, and now I would have time and money to try it! I'd also really like to/need to get a job this summer or fall, but we'll see how that goes.

Nothing much...

I really feel like posting something...but I've no idea what to write. I've been pretty busy lately, but mostly with things that aren't exactly blog-post-worthy (helping at church, working like crazy on math and science, writing like crazy...oh dear, I'm starting to sound like I'm actually going crazy! haha).

However, I will have a few sort of announcements to make, probably sometime next week. *dun dun dun* *looks mysterious*

So, 'til then, I will leave you!

A wonderful weekend!

I just had an absolutely wonderful weekend! My church went on a pilgrimage to Holy Hill, which is an absolutely beautiful shrine on top of a hill...you can see it in the pictures. The pilgrimage was by the Midwestern apostolates of the Institute of Christ the King, and the Prior General Msgr. Gilles Wach and Vicar General Msgr. Michael Schmitz were there.

We took a bus, which was of course lots of fun! I talked with Evangeline a bit, read, listened to music, rehearsed the skit with Kathryn, and let my thoughts wander as I looked out the window. About an hour away from the shrine, Fr. F. put in a DVD of Archbishop Fulton Sheen's last Good Friday sermon. It was about pain and suffering, and now (as usual!) I can't remember much about it, but I do know it was very good and I got a lot out of it!

We got to the shrine at 11 am, the choir was dropped off at the church, and then the bus continued down to the lower level. The choir members headed up the many stairs to the church, but when we got there it was discovered that a Mass was being said. So we stood outside (in the hot sun! With no sunscreen! My fair Irish skin protesteth muchly!) and practiced "Christus Vincit" and Hessler's "Missa Secunda"with a few choir members of another apostolate. In about 20 minutes the Mass had ended, so we were able to go up into the choir loft.

Our choir loft stairs have only one flight, but the shrine has three, and there are the most amazing views through all the windows! We practiced in the beautiful, spacious choir loft until 12:15 pm, and then started the trek back down to the lower level parking lot so we could meet up with the procession, which would begin at 12:30 pm. Well, since the shrine is so HUGE and we got separated from the people we were walking with, Evangeline and I ended up down in the completely empty parking lot! The procession had most likely just left, but no matter how hard we listened all we could hear was picnickers talking and laughing. So finally we decided to just head back up to the church, and on our way down another of the myriad paths we spotted the procession right in front of us! So we quickly shrank back against the trees and joined up in the middle.
The Mass was absolutely beautiful. All of the apostolates' choirs sang various parts of the Mass, and I was so impressed by all of them! The very best part was when all the choirs sang "Christus Vincit" together. I need to email our choir director and see if she can send me a recording of it...you must hear it! It was truly awesome, and perfectly sums up the happiness of that day. The church is SO beautiful, and there was a prevailing feeling of happiness, and peace, and God's presence, and deep, abiding joy that has always been in your heart but only shows itself to you at certain moments. It was so, so wonderful. I just felt safe, and full of joy.

After Mass, we went to the gift shop, where I bought some holy cards and medals and my mom bought a book about St. Teresa of the Andes and one about St. Elizabeth of the Trinity. Then Evangeline and I rushed back to the lower level parking lot (again!) after a glance at my watch had sent me into a state of near panic...we hadn't eaten yet and were supposed to be at one of the chapels for Benediction in 15 minutes! As it turned out, however, Benediction didn't start until 4:20 pm instead of the scheduled 4:00 pm, so it was all for nothing. *shakes head*

After Benediction, I talked to some friends, and was able to say hello to Fr. M., who used to be the priest at our church until he was transferred two years ago. He's known me since I was 10 years old and has seen me through so much, so it was wonderful to see him again! Then it was back to the bus, where much silliness and laughter ensued. Good times!

Today, we practiced the skit outside after Mass. I must admit, I am nervous! I just know that I'm going to completely blank out when I get on stage. :/ Mustn't think like that! It will be fine! It will be great! There's absolutely no audience! *insert fake cheery smile* But the skit is coming together very nicely. Then Kathryn and I, as she said (probably fairly accurately!) walked about 2 miles around and around the church, talking about anything and everything! That was so much fun! :D

So that was my absolutely wonderful weekend. I'm so happy! God has allowed to just accept myself as I am...quiet, not much of a social butterfly...and I'm so grateful! For the longest time, I felt like I had to be one of those talkative, always-the-center-of-attention people, but that's just not who I am. I love those people, but I'm not one of them, and at long last, I'm realizing that this is who God created me to be and therefore it's perfectly fine. It's also just so much easier to enjoy myself at social functions, because I'm not always feeling like I'm a total loser for not flitting here and there and talking to everyone. So thank you, God:)

And now I'll start my Week of Style! Today there are two outfits, because I wanted to post yesterday's too.

SATURDAY

Skirt: from Bethesda, a thrift store. Shirt: from Nice as New, another thrift store! I bought them on Friday, and I'm so happy to have a nice new outfit that really matches!

SUNDAY

Skirt: from Goodwill. Shirt: from Goodwill. It's actually a cardigan, but I just wear it like a shirt sometimes. Scarf: from Fr. F., who gave a scarf to each of the ladies of the Altar and Rosary society after he came back from his visit to Ecuador. It's SO pretty!

As you can see, I don't do much with my hair. ;) I kinda like it down...that makes it easy to swoosh over your face if need be! :P